Ten days before departure, evening
Quilibet Lyr stood unwillingly in the Temple courtyard. There was a sharp ache in her chest where her heart was, but her eyes were dry as she stared at the funeral pyre, refusing to believe what was happening. They’d told her again and again that her master was dead, and even though he wasn’t, they’d put him on the pyre anyway. One of the Councilmembers stepped forward and plunged a lightsaber deep into the specially treated wood. Flames appeared almost immediately, spreading to the right and left and working their way upwards towards the body. Master Radjedef lay there, more still than she had ever seen him sleep.
„No...“But Quilibet’s protest was so quiet that nobody heard it over the crackling of the fire. Keeping her head bowed slightly and moving only her eyes, she glanced around the solemn circle of Jedi, seeing everyone who had come out of respect for the Caamasi Master. They all believed that he was dead, they wouldn’t listen to her when she told them he wasn’t. It was just the deepest of all healing trances. None of them, not even one, expected the heat of the flames to wake him. Of course the entire Council was there. They came to every funeral. She knew that already. They’d been at the funeral of her first master only two years ago.
Her first master. She’d been a Caamasi, too, small and gentle, patient and loving. At first, Quilibet had thought she would survive the horrific injuries she’d received when they’d crashed on that planet. Master Nektanebos had been conscious enough to tell Quilibet how to activate the emergency signal, and had encouraged her to do things while they waited; build a shelter, look for water, start a fire. She’d spoken fondly of her first Padawan, Radjedef, but not as though she knew she’d never see him again. Rescue had come two days later. Quilibet still remembered the thrill she’d felt as she saw the ship coming in for a landing. And then she’d gone back to where Master Nektanebos was lying in the shelter. There had been a hint of a smile on her furry face, but no movement of her chest.
So many people had come for that funeral. Most of them were here again. It was all so senseless! They shouldn’t be here. This shouldn’t be happening. Radjedef and Quilibet had been on a peaceful mission, acting as ambassadors of the Senate to witness a wedding. A servant had brought a vase of fresh flowers to their room, and as Radjedef had never seen such blooms before, he’d reached out to draw one closer to his nose. He hadn’t noticed the tiny thorn until it pricked his finger, and there was no way he could have known that the sap was particularly toxic to Caamasi. Although he’d struggled, and Quilibet had poured all her strength into him, trying to support his healing trance, his breathing had stilled before sundown that day. Two days ago. Quilibet had piloted him back to the Temple as fast as she could, feverishly hoping that the Healers could do something to revive him. When they told her he had died, she didn’t believe them. He was only asleep, in a deep healing trance. He couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t have left her like that. He’d promised!
Although she knew that Healer Leona was there at her side, Quilibet did not turn her head to look at her face. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Leona’s hands crossed in front of her, the right one placed over the left, and then she glanced back to the funeral pyre.
Master Radjedef’s hands were placed that way, too, the right one over the left. She remembered how soft and downy they’d felt against her own smooth, human skin. Master Radjedef had often stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers, but when she looked for them now, they were obscured by the orange flames. As Quilibet watched in silent protest, something caught her eye. There--something blue! A moment later, she saw Master Radjedef--or rather--his spirit, standing on the other side of the pyre. Quilibet opened her mouth in surprise, feeling agony stab through her heart. So it was true. The Healers had been right--Master Radjedef really was dead. His spirit had left his body behind, and the way it was rapidly being consumed, there was no chance of him returning. She was just about to call his name when she saw a second figure appear next to the first one, then gasped as she recognised Master Nektanebos. Smiling up at Radjedef, the older Caamasi extended one hand, and Radjedef smiled as well, happy to be meeting her again. Nektanebos had been a master to both of them.
„No!“Quilibet screamed, more loudly this time.“NO! Don’t leave me! Master Rad, you said you wouldn’t leave me! You promised you’d never leave me! You PROMISED!“
They both turned, looking at her with surprise and something akin to pity. Quilibet didn’t want their pity, she wanted to be with them, both of them, both of her masters. She rushed forwards, focused only on the two spirits, and put out one hand as though to catch them, but something barreled into her from the side, and she fell hard onto the stones of the courtyard.
„No! Quilibet, don’t!“
She recognised vaguely that it was Gethin Territ, one of the young healers, holding her to the ground, and tried to escape his grip.“Let me go!“
As she struggled to stand up, he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her away from the funeral pyre and towards Healer Leona. “Quilibet. Listen to me. He’s gone. You have to accept that.“
„No, he’s not, he’s there, they’re both there, they’re waiting for me. Please! I can still catch them, don’t let them go without me!“She managed to twist around in his arms to look at the flames again, but the blue brightness had disappeared completely. There was no sign of Master Nektanebos or Master Radjedef. They had gone. They’d left her behind.
„You promised!“Quilibet called out, but her body was rapidly losing its strength and will to move.“Master Rad, you promised!“
Her knees buckled and she collapsed, tears stinging her eyes for the first time since losing her second master.
Nine days before departure, early evening.
„Quilibet?“asked Healer Leona gently from the doorway.
Lying on her side on the bed, her padawan braid curled tightly around one hand, Quilibet mumbled,“Go away.“
„The Council wants to see you. Come on, get up.“
After the funeral, Healer Leona had invited Quilibet to come and stay with her and her apprentice Dimallie in their small apartment. Nektanebos and Leona had been friends since their creche days, and Quilibet had stayed with the healer once before when Nektanebos had managed to both break and dislocate her knee, and had been required to stay in the infirmary for the better part of two weeks. After Nektanebos’ death, Leona had offered as well to have Quilibet stay with her, but Radjedef had already asked her to become his padawan. She’d simply stayed in the apartment that she’d shared with Nektanebos, and Radjedef had moved in instead. Quilibet had felt safe with him. She’d already known him, liked him, and looked up to him like a big brother. He’d promised he’d never leave her, that he’d see her become a knight, but now, two short years later, he was gone. Just thinking about it made tears well up again in her swollen, sore eyes. She made no move to wipe them away.
„Quil,“said Leona, coming in and sitting down on the side of the bed. She reached out and placed a gentle hand on Quilibet’s shoulder, sending comfort through the Force.“Quil. Radjedef never intended to betray you. He always meant to keep his promise to you--he never once forgot it. Do you remember that time he got sick and refused to come to the infirmary because he didn’t want to leave you alone? And how Gethin--I mean Healer Territ moved in with the two of you, just to take care of him?“
„Go away!“Quilibet said again, a bit louder this time. She didn’t want to remember how she had never once doubted that Radjedef would get better again. It had been truly inconceivable that he might die--he’d promised, after all. She’d trusted him to keep that promise, and he had not disappointed her--that time.
„The Council wants to see you,“Leona said again, standing up and reaching for Quilibet’s robe. She held it out invitingly.
„Tell them to go away, too,“Quilibet grumbled, but obedience had been drilled into her all her life, and so she sat up. Her head ached dully, and so did her heart, but she got to her feet and slipped into the robe, then shuffled slowly out of the room behind Leona. On the way to the Council chambers, she kept her head down, staring only at the floor and refusing to acknowledge anybody that they passed in the corridors. She couldn’t look at other people. They were all happy. None of -them- had lost two masters.
She didn’t start to wonder why the Council wanted to see her until they actually arrived at the small round room, but then it was too late. The doors opened and Leona led her in, and then she was standing in the middle of the circle, facing Master Yoda, Master Windu, and Knight Ki-Adi-Mundi.
„Padawan Lyr, we offer our condolences yet again on the death of Master Radjedef,“Master Windu said.
„Thank you,“Quilibet murmured, not quite able to meet his eyes and settling for his left cheekbone instead. Being there reminded her of being at the funeral, and how she’d broken down and cried. No Jedi ever cried as they stood watching the pyre--she assumed it just wasn’t allowed. They stood there stony-faced, accepting the will of the Force. Any grief was expressed in private, but Quilibet had not only cried, she’d screamed at Master Radjedef, and then she’d started to sob, all right there in the courtyard where everybody could see and blame her.
„Forget him, we will not,“Master Yoda said.“In our hearts forever, he is.“
Quilibet glanced at him, seeing only compassion in his large eyes and the position of his long ears, and managed to speak the words of thanks yet again as she blinked to keep her latest batch of tears from showing.
„His death came as a shock,“Ki-Adi-Mundi said slowly.“It is difficult for all of us to accept the will of the Force in this matter.“
He included every other Councilmember with his emphasis of the word „all“, but it didn’t make Quilibet feel any better to know that they were all struggling with Radjedef’s death as well. It made her feel worse, as though everybody else knew it was a mistake, too, and yet nobody had the power to rectify it.
„Meditated long over your future, we have, hmm,“the diminutive Jedi Master continued solemnly.“New master, you need.“
Shocked into immobility, Quilibet just stared at him. A new master?
„Padawan Lyr, this is Master Romedon Tenax,“Master Windu announced.
Still too stunned to speak or even think coherantly, Quilibet turned slightly to see the woman who had been standing there, unnoticed, all the time. The only thing about her that registered at first glance was that Master Tenax was human, not Caamasi.
„Hello, Padawan Lyr,“she said in a very rich and melodic voice as she came forward a step.
Quilibet glared at her. She didn’t want a new master, she wanted her old one back. Radjedef. Or Nektanebos, or even both of them! Not this--this stranger. Quilibet knew many of the knights and masters in the Temple, at least by sight, but she was certain that she had never laid eyes on this one before. And she was human, too, she didn’t have soft, furry arms or ears on top of her head, or purplish stripes across her face. She could never hope to be able to replace the two Caamasi that Quilibet had loved, and Quilibet did not even want her to try.
„I didn’t know Master Radjedef, but I know how hard it is to lose someone whom you love,“Master Tenax said.
Turning abruptly away from her, Quilibet pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes, and Healer Leona placed an arm around her shoulder, drawing her close in a comforting gesture.
„Time you both need, to adjust to each other,“Master Yoda said.“Discuss the formal Padawan ceremony later, we will.“
„May the Force be with you, all of you,“said Mace Windu, and with that, they were dismissed. Reluctantly pulling away from Leona’s embrace, Quil managed an obedient, but shaky half-bow before turning and practically racing out of the Council Chamber.
After Radjedef’s death, she hadn’t thought that things could get any worse.
Eight days before departure, morning.
„Padawan Lyr?“
The transition from sleep to wakefulness was too abrupt, too jarring, and when Quilibet opened her eyes, she had no idea where she was or what was happening. Stupidly, she blinked up at the mahogany-haired woman bending over her and blurted out,“Who are you?“
„I’m Romedon Tenax,“the woman smiled.
„Oh.“Sitting up, Quilibet frowned as she remembered how Leona had helped her pack her things last night and had given her one last hug before stepping back and surrendering her to that woman--her new master.
„Do you prefer to be called Quilibet or Quil?“
Quilibet shrugged, refusing to meet the woman’s eyes. Actually, Master Nektanebos had always called her Quil, and Master Radjedef had had several nicknames for her, including Quils, Quilly and sometimes even Quilibetty. But Master Tenax didn’t need to know that.
„I’m going to meditate in the living room this morning. Would you like to join me? I’d be glad to help you release some of your grief into the Force.“
Instinctively, Quilibet shook her head. Meditate? Why should she want to feel the Force at all, when it had obviously been the will of the Force that Master Rad was dead now? As soon as she’d formed the thought, though, she thrust it away, ashamed of being so petty. That wasn’t how either of her Caamasi masters had brought her up. No, she realised, she really did need to meditate. She just didn’t want to do it with that stranger.
Master Tenax nodded and patted her shoulder a few times, causing Quilibet to grit her teeth, then left the room. Relieved to be left alone, Quilibet leaned back against the wall at the head of her bed, unconsciously wrapping her Padawan braid around her hand and hugging it close to her chest. The simple task of standing up and getting dressed suddenly seemed too much for her, and it took several minutes before she felt capable of moving off the bed. Once she’d managed to listlessly pull her clothes on, she knelt down and shut her eyes, instantly feeling the temptation to simply drift off to sleep again, or at least into a daydreaming doze. It took an inordinate amount of time and a great effort for her to focus her thoughts enough to be able to reach out for the Force at all.
Her fragile concentration was interrupted at that crucial point by a soft knock on the door.“Quilibet?“
Go away, Quilibet wanted to scream, feeling a flash of anger, real anger, not just annoyance, at the intrusion.
„Breakfast is ready.“
Quilibet stood up grudgingly and walked into the living area, where Master Tenax was sitting at the table peeling a kalona fruit. There was another kalona fruit on the plate across from her. Quickly scanning the table for anything else that was edible and coming up empty, Quilibet regarded it with a sinking feeling of disbelief.
„Please sit down.“Why, why, -why- did that woman’s voice have to be so beautifully melodious?
Quilibet remained where she was.“May I eat at the cafeteria this morning, Master Tenax?“
„Why?“
„Because I really ha--don’t like kalona fruit,“Quilibet reported.
„Oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea. I thought this would be a special treat for you--they’re not overripe, but they’re so juicy.“Catching Quilibet’s slight grimace of disgust, Master Tenax added,“Yes, all right, you may eat in the cafeteria. Please come back when you’re finished, though.“
„Thank you, Master Tenax,“Quilibet replied in a flat, automatic tone of voice, and turned towards the door.
I hate kalona fruit, she muttered to herself on the way to the cafeteria, feeling even more wounded than the day before. Did that woman really have to add insult to injury? I hate kalona fruit, I really hate it. If she were my master, my -real- master, she’d know that sort of thing. But she’s not, and I don’t want her to be, I want Master Rad back. Why did he have to die? Why did he have to die in such a stupid way? Pricking his finger on a thorn! He could have died with his boots on and a light saber in his hand, he could have had a glorious death in battle, but instead he was bested by a flower! A flower! What sort of death is that for a Jedi?
Her anger faded into sorrowful regret and the ache around her heart seemed to increase. She didn’t cry, though. Her eyes simply refused to produce tears, and somehow, that made her feel worse.
After walking through the buffet and arranging a small breakfast on her tray, Quilibet slunk to an empty table in the corner of the cafeteria, but any plans she might have had for eating in peace were shattered when a small group of Padawans suddenly stood up from another table and came over to hers. She glanced up in irritation, but then recognised that Dimallie Melbra was among then, and Zac V’Aladee. Dimallie was Leona’s padawan, an assistant healer who was an unfortunate magnet for mishaps. She had a good heart, though, and Quilibet had become friends with her over the last four years, ever since the first time she’d had to stay with Healer Leona. Zac was another friend.
Looking at them as they sat down, Quilibet found herself realising that Dimallie could very well fall down the next flight of stairs and break her neck, and Zac could also be killed on the next mission he went on. Everybody died eventually. Anybody could be next. She had to be prepared in case it happened again. But her musings were interrupted when Dimallie suddenly knocked over her glass of juice and some of it ran into Quillibet’s lap.
„Oh, I’m sorry, Quil!“Getting to her feet, Dimallie also managed to upend her tray, and it crashed to the floor, spilling its contents everywhere. Zac handed his serviette to Quil, who tried in vain to mop her tunic and trousers, and Dimallie knelt down to recapture her escaping food. It took a few minutes until everything was cleaned up again and Dimallie had got another tray, but at last the older Padawan had seated herself again.
„We heard you’ve got a new master already,“said Dimallie when everything had settled down.
Quilibet stared at her. For five minutes, she’d managed to completely forget that anything bad had ever happened to her. For five minutes, she hadn’t noticed that sharp ache around her heart, but now it all came rushing back, hurting even worse than she’d remembered.
„Yeah,“she said shortly. But everybody was looking at her expectantly, and after a moment, she asked,“Does anybody know her? Her name is Romedon Tenax.“
But everybody shook their heads in denial, and Zac asked,“What’s she like?“
Quilibet shrugged.“She likes kalona fruit. She tried to give me one for breakfast.“
„Hmm, I like kalona fruit,“said one of the other Padawans farther down the table.
„I don’t,“Quilibet stated flatly.
„Speaking of masters,“said Zac quickly, as though trying to change the subject,“I wrote a little poem for you. For the occasion and all.“
He stood up and began to recite:
I’m sorry your master is dead
I’ll miss his nice fuzzy head
He’s one with the Force
Like his favourite old horse
And the pyre’s turned all his bones red.
Quilibet had thought she could not cry anymore, but tears sprang suddenly to her eyes and overflowed onto her cheeks. Her appetite lost, she put her hands to her face and stood up, her only goal in life to get to the door and find a private place to howl aloud. As she stumbled towards the exit, she heard Zac behind her, saying, “Look, she’s crying because it’s so beautiful. Anybody want a copy?“
Six days before departure, morning
„We’ll do some light saber drills to-day when you’ve got back from Grief Counseling,“said Master Tenax at breakfast two days later. Her voice was as rich as ever, but held that „masterful“ undertone that meant ‘no discussion.’
„Yes, Master Tenax,“Quilibet replied dutifully, staring down at the helping of breakfast casserole on her plate.
„You’ll feel better after you’ve had some exercise. Trust me, Quilibet.“
„Yes, Master Tenax.“
„I know you don’t feel comfortable calling me just plain master yet, but you could call me Master Romy, if you liked.“
Unsure of whether the woman were giving her an order or not, Quilibet did not answer immediately.
„It’s just a suggestion, Quil. Take your time and think about it.“
„Yes, Master Tenax.“Taking up her knife and fork, Quilibet began to dissect her casserole before taking a cautious bite. It tasted good.
„I got the recipe from a friend of mine. She says it’s just the thing for growing Padawans,“Master Tenax remarked cheerfully.
„Yes, Master Tenax,“Quilibet replied again.
They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence. When she’d finished all that she wanted to eat, which wasn’t very much, Quilibet stood up and bowed without a word, then went out of the apartment. She was going to be early for her appointment with Soul Healer Del-Isa Sidatu, but it didn’t matter. She would rather sit in the waiting room and stare at the wall than remain with that woman. At least she’d be alone, and being alone was certainly preferable to being with someone who was covertly trying to take Master Rad’s place. It had only been two days, and she was already talking about light saber drills, which were traditionally done only between master and padawan. She’d started calling her Quil, too, not just Quilibet, instead of Padawan Lyr. And no doubt it was only a matter of time before she no longer suggested, but insisted that Quilibet call her Master Romy.
Grief Counseling always ended with a special meditation session in which the Soul Healer stood behind Quilibet, laid her hands on her shoulders and channeled the Force into her, helping her to feel comforted by it. It was the part that Quilibet always looked forward to the most, because it seemed that the Force expanded to fill her body and her mind, so much so that there was no room for any other emotion except tranquility and well-being. She remembered from her counseling sessions two years before that she had sometimes tried to search the Force, reaching out to see if she could feel Master Nektanebos’ distinct signature within it. She never had, but now she tried it again, concentrating on Master Rad, needing so much to be close to him again, desperately craving the comfort he’d always managed to give her before.
The session ended before she’d found any trace of him, of course, but the Camaasi master remained in Quilibet’s thoughts as she walked down the corridors, back to her apartment. She keyed in the code with automatic fingers and started to walk in, but bumped against the door instead. Frowning, completely aware of her surroundings again, Quilibet tried the code again, but the door remained firmly shut. She began to carefully and methodically enter each number, making doubly sure her fingers did not slip, when the door finally slid open.
But Quilibet’s path into the apartment was blocked by a Kel Dor, and she stared up at him stupidly as he asked through his breathing mask,“Can I help you, Padawan?“
„I--I live here--this is my--“she managed to stammer, and then realised she’d gone to her old apartment instead of to Master Tenax’s! Of all the stupid mistakes! She simply hadn’t been thinking! Until a few days ago, she hadn’t needed to think about such a thing. But it didn’t answer the question of what this unknown Jedi was doing here anyway.
The expression on his face did not change--not that she could see behind his dark goggles--as he regarded her for a long moment, and then he said,“I was assigned yesterday to these quarters. They were empty when I arrived and I was assured that the code had been changed.“
With horror, Quilibet looked from him to the name on the wall on one side of the door. It no longer said Master Radjedef, Padawan Quilibet Lyr. The number was the same, but underneath it was a new name, Master Dley Mesin.
„But--but--what happened to his things?“Quilibet asked, too astounded to think straight.“What did they do with Master Radjedef’s things?“
„Ah, so these were Master Radjedef’s quarters? I was sorry to hear of his death,“said Master Mesin.“Everything has been cleaned away, Padawan.“
„Nobody told me!“Quilibet blurted out.“They should have told me!“
„If they have not informed you, then no doubt the things have merely been moved to storage to be sorted out later,“the Kel Dor began to explain, but Quilibet was already bowing and moving down the corridor, tears blurring her vision. She made no move to wipe them away as they fell. She simply made her way to the nearest garden, found a quiet corner next to a tiny pool of water, and sobbed quietly for several minutes.
„You’re late,“said Master Tenax when Quilibet finally returned.“I was getting worried.“
„I apologise for my tardiness, Master Tenax,“Quilibet said softly, standing at attention just inside the door. Not wanting to share her feelings or explain what had happened, not willing to let the woman know anything about her life that was not strictly necessary, Quilibet did not volunteer an explanation. To her relief, Master Tenax did not push her.
„Come, let’s go down to the practise room,“was all she said.
After they had warmed up, Master Tenax took up the familiar beginning position for sparring and ignited her light saber.“A Jedi will not always have the luxury of fighting on days when he is at his best and everything is going right. Too often, there will be times when a Jedi is at a distinct disadvantage. He might be injured, sick, or even have just seen his best friend killed, and he must still fight. Jedi do not give up, no matter what the circumstances.“
She attacked, and Quilibet parried automatically. As they moved around the room, their light sabers connecting time and again, Quilibet knew in the back of her mind that what Master Tenax said was true. How often had Master Radjedef sensed exactly when she wasn’t feeling one hundred procent well, and had seemed to push her even harder at exactly those times? She remembered that there had always a point where she’d stopped worrying about herself, had completely forgotten her problems and surrendered herself to the Force to fight a good fight. Now, however, she couldn’t seem to find that point. She couldn’t seem to close her mind to the grief in her heart, and it made her slow and clumsy. Master Tenax’s turquoise blade sizzled against her time and again, leaving burns that smarted and distracted her even more.
They continued until Quilibet misjudged the landing of a particularly high jump and stumbled, then fell. There was an odd snapping sound in her foot as she went down and she had that distinct feeling that it was a bad injury, even before the initial numbness gave way to a wave of agonising pain. She only barely felt the way Master Tenax’s lightsaber singed her ear, only barely registered that the woman was speaking.
„A distracted Jedi is a dead Jedi, Padawan.“There was a pause, and then the woman asked,“Are you all right, Quilibet?“
She shook her head. Master Tenax knelt down at her side and placed both hands gently around her ankle, reaching out with the Force to determine the extent of the injury.
„It doesn’t look good,“she murmured.“I think something’s broken. Come, give me your arm. We’ll get you to the Healers.“
With the woman’s help, Quilibet managed to stand up and limp to the lift that would take them to the infirmary level. She felt awful, both physically and mentally. She’d been distracted, she hadn’t been able to find her center, if it had been a real fight, she’d be dead by now. She almost wished she were dead. She wasn’t good enough to be a Jedi anymore. She was going to fail.
It was Healer Leona on duty that day, which was a relief for Quilibet. She seemed to understand without words what had happened and why, and sent as much comfort through the Force as she could while dealing with the injury. When she’d finished healing what she could using only the Force, and had set a bone-knitter, she said,“You can stay here the rest of the day, until this is finished.“
Quilibet shrugged indifferently. She had no strong feelings either way about the infirmary, not like some people.
„And I have some good news for both of you,“the petite Healer went on.“Your names have been added to the list of Masters and Padawans going on this year’s retreat to the planet Tildas.“
Master Tenax looked positively thrilled at the news.“Is that your doing, Healer P’lila?“
„Oh, please, call me Healer Leona, everybody else does. Yes, I thought it would be a good idea, and the Council agreed. I was going to come over to-night and tell you, but you’ve saved me a trip.“
„Wonderful! Thank you so much! Oh, I’m looking forward to it already! I love being in the Temple, you know, but I hate being on Coruscant. There’s too much city, and too little nature. Tildas is exactly the opposite.“
„But I thought it was only for Master and Padawan pairs,“Quilibet said, confused.
„Yes, that’s right,“Healer Leona replied.
„Then I can’t go.“
They both looked at her in surprise and consternation.
„I don’t meet the criteria. I don’t have a master.“
There was a very long silence, and then Master Tenax said,“Quilibet, you do have a master. You have me.“
„You’re not my master! My master is dead! He’s dead, and they’ve taken his things away and put them into storage and they’ve given our quarters to somebody else, and nobody told me, and--and he’s dead!“Quilibet did not let herself cry in front of the others. Tears weren’t going to change anything, anyway. The facts remained, whether she cried or not.
„I’m not the Camaasi master that you knew and loved, Quilibet, that’s true, but the Council has asked me to be responsible for you until you reach Knighthood,“Master Tenax continued.“I’m here for you now.“
Quilibet lapsed into silence. There were too many wrong answers running through her head, too many feelings that she couldn’t put into words, and trying to speak would only make things worse. She settled for a non-committal shrug, and was surprised when Master Tenax came over and suddenly squeezed her shoulders.
„It’s all right, Quilibet. I know it’s hard. Maybe we can come to an arrangement after we’ve been to Tildas and got to know each other better, all right?“
Tightening her shields so that the woman could not feel her heart sinking at the prospect of the retreat, Quilibet shrugged again.
Hai Gan
Day two before departure, late afternoon:
Del-Isa finished her regular duties, tidied up the last of the datawork, and began to contemplate dinner for herself and her padawan. For a small child he had a big appetite, but only- she had already discovered- for certain foodstuffs. Anything obviously healthy tended to get left on the plate. She knew very well that in normal circumstances no child would deliberately go hungry. She was sure that if she persisted then Toms would eat what was put in front of him. It was a matter of remaining firm. Give in once, she knew, and he would only be more persistant in his disobedience next time. She had a considerable theoretical background in child psychology, as well as several years of practical experience. Only now was she experiencing first-hand what people meant when they said 'it's different when it's your own child'.
A movement in the doorway distracted her from her train of thought. The Soul Healer looked up to see Romedon Tenax standing quietly at the open door, gentle enquiry on her face.
"Are you busy?" Romy asked. "I can arrange an appointment if that would be more suitable."
Del-Isa sat up briskly and gave the woman a warm smile. "Please, come in. How may I help?"
Romy took a chair and sat down, her hands neatly clasped in her lap. She looked down at them for a moment, then up at the Soul Healer. "You know of the situation with Quilibet, of course."
Del-Isa nodded, leaning forward a little as she listened.
"I understand that she will need time to get over things, of course. She is obviously very upset, and at the moment she is quite unwilling to talk to me about it. She doesn't even accept me as her master." Romy gave a sad smile. "She is very polite about it, but she doesn't want me. She has even said so- she doesn't think of herself as having a master."
"Rejection is never easy, even when you can understand the reasons behind it," Del-Isa agreed. "If it had been anybody else in your position, Quilibet's response would probably have been the same." She gave Romy a sympathetic look, and saw that the Master had already reached the same conclusion. "What have you been doing about the situation so far?"
Romy looked down at her hands again. "Everything I do seems to be the wrong thing," she said softly. "When I made her breakfast as a treat, she preferred to eat in the refectory. I haven't pushed her, as you suggested that I gave her some space and let her come to me of her own accord. I've tried to be sympathetic, and to be there for her if she does need someone, but Leona and yourself seem to get a better response from her than I do."
"It does not mean that you will not be able to form a training bond, only that it will take time and sensitivity." The Soul Healer leaned forwards to place a reassuring hand on the Master's shoulder. "Your talents make you the ideal person to help Quilibet through her grief and set her back on the path to knighthood. You've already shown that."
"I have?" Romy sounded surprised.
Del-Isa nodded emphatically. "You are willing to persist. You have shown sympathy and understanding in a situation where another person might have given out punishment for insolence. You are not the sort of person to become impatient with irrational behaviour. When the Council asked me to suggest a suitable master for Quilibet, you were the first name I gave them," the Soul Healer said.
Romy sat a little straighter in her chair, and Del-Isa leaned back again. "You are doing the right thing, Romy. Give her space and give her time to come to terms with the situation, but do let her know you are there if she needs you. It wouldn't hurt to remind her that if she doesn't feel she can speak to you then there are others who are there for her. Don't let her shut herself away and suppress her feelings."
Romy rubbed her hands in slight nervousness. "I was wondering if there is anything she has told you that would allow me to find some common ground? If I can just get her talking /with/ me, instead of saying 'yes' and 'no' at the right moments and running away as soon as she gets the chance, it might help us to connect."
Del-Isa steepled her fingers beneath her chin, her face reflecting regret. "I'm afraid I can't tell you anything of Quilibet's consultations," she said. "I can quite understand your motives in asking, but it would be a breach of patient confidentiality. I'm sorry."
"It's only that we seem to have such different tastes," Romy admitted. "I'd love to be able to do or say something to make her smile, but I have no idea what she likes."
Del-Isa looked warmly at the other woman. "If good intentions and a good heart can help Quilibet, then she has the best person possible as a Master," she said. "One positive action I can suggest is that you sit down with her and make a list of both your expectations, likes, dislikes and the routine you are used to. Make it clear that she does have a say in what happens, but also make it clear that there will have to be compromises made."
"That sounds rather formal."
"You can't be expected to know these things instinctively. It happens that way in some master-padawan bonds, but those are a rare exception." Del-Isa gave a slightly lopsided smile, and shoved her fingers through her unruly hair. "Most people seem to just muddle along somehow. A formal list wouldn't be a bad idea at all."
"Well, I can give it a try." Romy rose to her feet, then hesitated.
Del-Isa sighed and relented slightly on her earlier refusal to give away any information. "I don't think I would be breaching any oath if I told you that it's Quilibet's birthday soon. She thought a lot of both her previous masters, too."
"Is that a clue?" Romy asked, with a smile that reached her eyes for the first time during the whole conversation.
Del-Isa smiled back. "You could say that. And you can talk to me any time you like."
"Thank you." Romy bowed and left.
Del-Isa was not far behind. Despite the sad situation she was helping Romy and Quilibet to deal with, the conversation had left her feeling perversely uplifted. She was glad that she /could/ help. She was also infinately glad that, even with all her minor worries, her relationship with her own padawan was exactly what both of them wanted.
Two days before departure, late afternoon
The fight hadn’t been planned. Quilibet had been trying to catch up on her studies in the library, and had come out at supper time out of sheer habit, not because she felt particularly hungry. Her concentration on her schoolwork had broken as soon as she’d come out into the corridor, and she’d started thinking about Master Tenax instead. She wasn’t aware of the two boys talking in the corridor, and the next thing she knew, she’d barrelled right into one of them.
„Hey, watch where you’re going!“came an indignant voice.
„I wouldn’t need to if you wouldn’t stand in the middle of the corridor!“Quilibet snapped back, letting some of the rage escape that she’d been keeping inside.
„So go around me!“the boy replied, surprised and angered at her violent outburst.
„Get out of the way!“Quilibet told him. She could see he was an adolescent, not long a Padawan to judge by the shortness of his braid.
„You get out of the way, you--you Force-farmer!“It was the worst insult in the Temple, and just happened to hit Quilibet particularly hard. She reached out and shoved the boy, placing her hands on his shoulders and propelling him backwards until his head hit the wall with an audible crack.
„Hey, stop that!“the other boy called out, sounding nervous and uncertain. The logical part of Quilibet’s mind told her that he was used to older Padawans setting a good example for the younger ones, and not bullying them. No doubt he was wondering whether to run and find a master to take care of her, but he was also concerned about his friend.
„Ow!“The boy shoved back, and Quilibet, letting even more rage escape, drove her fist into his face. They exchanged blows until the boy managed to break away and run down the corridor with his friend, leaving Quilibet leaning against the wall, gasping for breath, and with blood dripping from her nose. Her head ached and her body felt bruised, especially her hands, but for once, she didn’t mind the physical pain. It felt good in comparison to the pain around her heart. She almost wanted to go out and find somebody else to fight with.
As soon as she’d thought it, Quilibet stopped in terror. What was she doing? Was that how she was managing to cope with Master Rad’s death, by giving in to anger and hatred? As long as he and Master Nektanebos had been alive, they’d struggled to teach her exactly the opposite, and now she was betraying their memory. Feeling suddenly disgusted with herself and almost unworthy of being in the Temple, Quilibet turned and limped in the opposite direction, towards the lift that led up to the infirmary. She needed to see Healer Sidatu. She needed to hear that it was normal to feel anger after somebody had died, wanted to hear that she was not turning into a Sith, she found she was craving the woman’s special touch in helping her to release her feelings into the Force.
But as she approached the Soul Healer’s office, she saw the door open and Master Tenax come out. Master Tenax! She was the last person in the Temple that Quilibet wanted to see at that moment, and so she backpedalled quickly until she could hide around the corner she’d just passed, pulling her shields up as tightly as she could and projecting an image of nothingness. Master Tenax went by without even noticing her, but when Quilibet finally decided it was safe to move again, Master Del-Isa Sidatu’s office was empty. Defeated, Quilibet slumped against the door. The Soul Healer had probably gone home to her new Padawan, a boy she spoke fondly of and who obviously adored her. She didn’t think she could bear to burst in on their happiness.
Sadly, she made her way back to the lift and stopped it at a level where there was a small meditation garden that was not as popular as some of the others. Quilibet’s favourite spot was next to a large boulder, and she sat down and leaned her back against it. Her bruises ached, but she was suddenly too lethargic and depressed to put herself into a healing trance. Her nose had started bleeding again, but she didn’t try to stop it, simply wiped her upper lip on her sleeve a time or too and then let it run. She’d meant to meditate here, find her calm center again, but could not summon the energy to do anything of the sort.
After a while, she fell asleep.
Romedon Tenax wasn’t particularly worried when Quilibet did not come home before supper. The slender red-headed girl avoided the apartment as much as she possibly could, and had probably gone straight to the cafeteria after studying in the library. After starting the list that Del-Isa had suggested, the one with her expectations, her likes and dislikes, and the routine she was used to, determined to talk to Quilibet with it after supper, Romy got up and went to the cafeteria for her own meal. She’d written down cooking as one of her likes, but although Quilibet had not rejected the breakfast casserole, it was obvious that she didn’t want to be forced to sit and eat in the same room as Romy, and so Romy had reluctantly decided to hold off on Plan S (the way to a Padawan’s heart is through the Stomach) for a while. That meant cafeteria food.
But Quilibet did not return to the apartment after supper, either, as she usually had. Instead, Romy got a visit from a Chalaktan Master and his human padawan.
„My Padawan was attacked in the corridor and beaten,“the master said.“The Padawan who did that to him was a female human, about fourteen or fifteen years old, with red hair, and was not taller than he was. Healer Leona believes that it was Quilibet Lyr.“
Romy felt her heart sink.“It sounds like her, yes. And there is a distinct possibility that she was the perpetrator. You know that her second master died recently?“
The Chalaktan nodded.“I had heard. We still expect an apology from whomever it was.“
„She’s not here at the moment. As soon as she returns, I’ll see what she has to say, and bring her over myself if necessary.“
When the master and padawan had left, Romy stood up and contacted Healer Leona, but Quilibet had not been seen in the infirmary at all that day. Next, Romy called Del-Isa to report the incident.
„And the worst part of it is, she’s shielding against me so tightly that I have no idea where to look for her,“she said.“For all I know, she’s left the Temple completely. You probably have more of a bond with her than I do just at the moment. Could you help me find her?“
„I don’t think she’s left the Temple, but I’ll contact the main entrance, just to be sure,“Del-Isa murmured, closing her eyes briefly as she reached out with the Force.“And she is shielding against everybody, not just you. It’s hard to find a Jedi who doesn’t want to be found. We might just have to wait for her to come back of her own accord.“
„Del-Isa, tell me. Is it possible that she did this on purpose? To get out of going on the retreat with me?“
The Soul Healer frowned slightly.“It’s possible. It’s more likely that she was so overwhelmed by her own pain and anger that she simply lashed out at the first opportunity. Even Jedi masters have been known to do that on occasion.“
„She could lash out at me next,“Romy guessed, and Del-Isa nodded.“It won’t be personal, though it might seem that way at the time.“
„I’ll try to remember that. In the meantime...?“
„Let’s ask around and see if anybody’s seen her lately, then decide where to go from there.“
It was midnight, and Quilibet still hadn’t come back. Romy had called Leona and Del-Isa to her apartment for an emergency meditation session, and together, they reached out with the Force, trying to determine the location of the young Padawan, but at length, they had to give up without a clear result.
„She’s close. I can feel that much. If she has left the Temple, which I doubt, she’s not far away. But she’s shielding much too tightly,“Del-Isa said, shaking her head sadly as they opened their eyes and looked at each other.
Romy looked at Leona.“Does she have any other friends that you can think of? Is there anybody else we can ask?“
She’d spent most of the evening calling up various padawans and asking if they had seen Quilibet or knew where she might be, but the answers had been been a series of variations on the theme „I haven’t really spoken to her since before Master Radjedef died. I only ever saw her at mealtimes, but I didn’t see her to-night.“
„Dimallie said she thought Quilibet never really had a lot of friends, and we’ve asked everybody she could think of,“Leona replied, looking very worried.
„And you’d feel it if she had become one with the Force?“Romy made herself ask the question calmly.
„Yes, I’d feel it,“Leona said at the same time as Del-Isa. They would have smiled except for the seriousness of the situation.
„She’s definitely alive,“said Del-Isa.
Romy shut her eyes, calming herself through the Force, trying to accept the fact that there was nothing more she could do that night. Almost instantly, a picture came into her head, a vision of a red-headed Padawan in the midst of bushes and small trees, and a feeling of pain and loneliness and utter despair.
„She’s in a garden,“she said without thinking, and then the vision was gone.“Oh, that poor girl, she’s hurting so much and she doesn’t feel there’s anyone she can turn to.“
„Which garden?“Leona asked.
„I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.“Romy stood up, feeling suddenly invigorated enough to check every garden in the Temple by herself.
Quilibet had not slept well since Master Rad had breathed his last. She’d awakened several times every night from thinking she’d heard him coming into her room, or from dreams where he’d sat up, perfectly healed, just after they’d put him on the pyre. But here, in the meditation garden, next to the boulder she’d always preferred, not knowing that it was Force-sensitive, Quilibet had fallen into a deep, restorative slumber. She’d stretched out on the ground and made herself comfortable even in her sleep, and nothing disturbed her for several hours.
It was the rain that woke her at last. Quilibet had reflexively covered her face with one arm, but as the downpour continued, she slowly became aware of it, and eventually opened her eyes to find herself thoroughly soaked. It was also very dark in the garden, and she sat there for a moment to get her bearings, then stood up, reaching out with the Force to find her way. Realising it must be the middle of the night, Quilibet felt her heart sink. She’d never stayed away so long before! Master Radjedef, and Master Nektanebos before him, had always made sure she was tucked up in bed well before midnight.
They never would again. Now Quilibet had to go back and face Master Tenax, the stranger that the Council had foisted upon her, just as though it made no difference which Jedi took care of her, just as long as someone was there. As though Master Rad were replaceable! As though just anyone could take his place and continue her training without even a hiccup! As though the Council believed that she could go through it all again. At the thought, Quilibet’s concentration faltered, and she tripped over a tree root and landed face down in the mud. She lay there for a few seconds, wondering if she ever wanted to get up again, but it was too wet and uncomfortable to remain there for long. Staggering to her feet, she was suddenly blinded by a bright light, and automatically stepped backwards, putting up an arm to shield her eyes.
„Don’t run away, Quilibet,“said a gentle male voice.
„I’m not running away,“she replied, trying to squint beyond the light to see who it was. The voice was familiar. There, he’d lowered the lantern and she could make out his great height and his shoulder-length hair, which was rapidly getting wet.“I’m try--I’m finding the door, Master Jinn.“
Four years of gentle reproaches from both her masters, and she was still using that word! Quilibet felt ashamed that she had failed them in yet another way, and waited for Master Jinn to repeat the well-known phrase. To her great surprise, he did not, but said only,“It’s back this way. Come, walk with me.“
„Thank you, Master Jinn,“she replied. They walked quickly towards the exit and emerged into the corridor, which was only dimly lit. Once they were out of the wet, Quilibet watched as he flicked off the lantern, and expected him to reach for his comlink next. Instead, he said,“I used to come to this garden often as well, after I lost my second Padawan. There is a great boulder there, which has one side that is just perfect for leaning against.“
„Yes,“Quilibet murmured in amazed agreement, looking at him curiously. What had she ever heard of his second apprentice and whatever fate had befallen him? She couldn’t recall it just at the moment.
„It’s Force-sensitive as well.“
„I didn’t know that, Master Jinn,“Quilibet said. She should have guessed, though. Master Nektanebos had brought her here a few times for meditation, and after her death, Quilibet had found herself drawn to the boulder, fancying that she could feel a little of Master Nektanebos’s presence close by. She should have realised--but she’d never bothered to think about it. Another failure, another way she hadn’t embodied what she’d been taught. Maybe the Force was trying to tell her something by taking both her masters away, that she wasn’t fit to be a Jedi. She certainly hadn’t acted Jedi-like when she’d attacked that boy. Maybe there was too much anger in her, or something else that made her unsuitable.
„After I lost my Padawan, there were many times that I felt angry,“Master Jinn went on.“Angry at him for leaving me, angry at myself for not being a better master, angry at others...I came here often when I was angry, and yet I always felt better when I left.“
Quilibet stared at him in sheer astonishment.“You felt angry, Master Jinn? But--but you’re a master!“
„Masters are also beings who feel emotions, Quilibet. We feel sorrow and pain and grief, often more than a Padawan can feel or even imagine. And anger. There were times when I felt so much anger I was secretly afraid I was in danger of turning into a Sith.“
Quilibet continued to stare as Master Jinn voiced her own feelings perfectly and with complete honesty. She -knew- without a doubt that he was telling the truth, that he had experienced exactly what she was going through now. But then something occurred to her to underscore the fact there was a difference between this Jedi and her, and she immediately felt like a failure again.“Yes, but you never acted on that anger, did you, Master Jinn? You never--you never beat anybody up.“
„No,“he said. Quilibet sighed, thinking she’d already known the answer before he’d said it, but, again to her surprise, he did not stop there.“Mace defended himself too well after the first blow. Then Yoda got his stick back and whacked -me- on the leg with it.“
The image of huge Master Jinn being whacked in the leg by the diminutive green Master made a smile tug at Quilibet’s mouth. Her lips were too stiff from days of disuse, however, and the smile didn’t quite manage to break through. Master Jinn saw it anyway and put away the comlink she hadn’t noticed him speaking into, then reached out and placed his warm hand on her shoulder.“Quilibet, it’s all right. It’s not the lack of anger that makes us Jedi. It’s choosing to release it into the Force, to work through it so that we can find our calm centers again, instead of letting it grow inside us so that anger is all that we can feel.“
She didn’t know how to respond to that and so she simply murmured,“Yes, Master Jinn.“
After a moment in which she could feel the light side of the Force emanating strongly from him, he said,“I was going to tell you about how I was afraid to take Obi-Wan as my Padawan, but I think you’ve had enough wisdom for now.“
Because it was so quiet in the deserted corridors, they could both hear the sound of the lift doors opening even though the lift was around the corner, and a moment later, Master Tenax appeared, walking as fast as she could without running.“Quilibet! Thank the Force you’re all right. I was so worried!“
Quilibet did not even have time to wonder why the master was not demanding to know where she’d been before she was caught up in a hug. Squeezing her tightly for a moment, Master Tenax then let go and stroked her hair with one hand as she stepped back.“Before I knew where to look for you, I was afraid that you might have left the Temple--or worse!“
„I’m sorry, Master Tenax,“she said slowly, trying to suppress a shiver of cold.“I fell asleep in the garden. I only meant to stay a while and meditate, but I was so tired. I haven’t really slept well since Master Rad died. I have nightmares...I didn’t mean to worry you.“
„Oh, Quil, I’m just glad you’re not out on the lower levels of Coruscant somewhere, all alone with no place to go and no one to care about you.“Master Tenax gave her another quick hug.
Healer Leona came up from the lift just then and hugged Quilibet as well.“I’m so happy to see you’re all right. But you’re all wet! What happened? Did you fall into one of the ponds?“
„I fell asleep in the garden,“Quilibet explained again.“I didn’t know it was going to rain.“
„Quick,“said Master Tenax,“let’s get you home and into a hot bath. I’ll make some cocoa and you can drink it before you go to bed--back to bed, I mean. Qui-Gon, Leona, thank you both so much for helping to find her.“
They said good-bye and good night, and went off in their different directions. In the apartment, Master Tenax immediately began to run a steaming hot bath.“Get out of those wet clothes and get warmed up. I’ll make the cocoa in the meantime.“
She went out of the refresher before Quilibet could say anything, and the girl got undressed slowly, then slipped into the water. Her icy skin protested painfully at the sudden change in temperature and she had to grit her teeth until she’d become accustomed to the heat. There was plenty of time to sit and consider the fact that she’d just spoken nicely to the enemy and accepted comfort from her, not to mention the fact that she’d betrayed one of her weaknesses and given that woman a chance to get closer to her. How could she have been so stupid! What had she been thinking? Of course it was all right to talk to Master Jinn. She’d probably never get that close to him again. But Master Tenax was a completely different matter. She couldn’t allow it to happen again. She had to keep Master Tenax at a very definite distance, otherwise she’d start caring, and then she’d lose her too and --Quilibet stopped the thought before the end. No. She was not going to open her heart to anybody, ever again, and she was not going to care if the entire Temple dropped dead at her feet, and she certainly was not going to shed a tear if Master Tenax was the next body on the pyre.
Standing up abruptly, she dried herself off, pulled her bathrobe on, and marched to the bedroom to get dressed in her pyjamas. She was just climbing into bed when Master Tenax knocked at the door.“Didn’t you want your cocoa?“
„No, thank you, Master Tenax,“Quilibet said, turning demonstrably away. No, she was not going to go through this pain a third time. No, no, no.
„I’ll put it here in case you change your mind.“
Quilibet was silent, and Master Tenax placed the cup on the desk and went out. After a moment, she returned, however, and spread something soft and warm over Quilibet, a blanket that Quilibet had already started to miss during her time in Master Tenax’s apartment. It had been a present from Master Rad--they’d brought it back from their mission on Gabbarus. Woven in an intricate geometrical pattern and brightly coloured, it had caught her eye as they’d strolled across the marketplace, and she’d lingered to get a better look. Although they’d been in a bit of a hurry, Master Rad had stopped and bought it for her, just like that. She’d tried to protest, knowing that Jedi were not supposed to collect material things, but he’d told her it was not against the Code to have something that was both beautiful and practical at the same time, and Jedi were certainly allowed to have blankets on their beds. It hadn’t even been close to her birthday.
She’d put it in the box with her other things because it reminded her too much of the home she no longer had. Now the merest sight of it made her feel comforted somehow, as though she still had a link to Master Rad. How had Master Tenax known to offer her such solace? It wasn’t fair! She didn’t have to make it so hard for Quilibet to keep up her defences around her--she just didn’t have to make it so hard!
Quilibet hadn’t expected to be able to fall asleep again after such a long, peaceful rest in the gardens, but when she opened her eyes again, daylight was coming in through her window because the shade was still up. Feeling a bit weak, she got up and got dressed, then went out to the refresher. Master Tenax was in the kitchen when she came out.
„The first thing we have to do to-day is go and apologise to that boy,“she said.
„Yes, Master Tenax,“she said.
„You’re excused from classes to-day to prepare for the trip, but he’s not, so how about if we go now and get it over with before we lose the best opportunity?“
„Yes, Master Tenax,“Quilibet replied again. She realised she didn’t even know the boy’s name, but it really didn’t matter. They walked down and Master Tenax stepped back slightly so that Quilibet could press the buzzer. The boy himself opened.
„I’ve come to apologise,“Quilibet said softly. The boy’s master appeared behind him, and said,“Please come in.“
Quilibet followed them into the apartment, Master Tenax right behind her, then knelt down on one knee in front of the boy and looked up into his freckled face. There was no sign of any bruising or blood, so he must have been at the healers in the meantime. It was good that he was all right again. She felt vaguely relieved that she hadn’t caused more damage than that.
„I apologise for losing my temper and hitting you,“she said.“I, uh, apologise for not watching where I was going. I was unfocused.“
She paused. It was difficult to think of anything else to say.
„I was wrong to let my anger out on you, instead of releasing it to the Force,“she finally finished.
„Apology accepted,“the boy nodded, his voice cracking a bit on the ‘ac’.
„I believe you have something to say as well, Padawan,“the master suggested.
„What?“he asked innocently.
There was a significant silence and then the boy knelt down as well with a long-suffering look on his face and murmured,“I apologise for letting my temper get the best of me. I could have walked away, but I chose to stay and fight. I’m sorry if I hurt you.“
Surprised, Quilibet managed to reply,“A-Apology accepted.“
The Chalaktan master began to lecture them both about the dangers of anger, the fact that fist fights between Padawans were prohibited, and the proper way to treat others and oneself, but Quilibet hardly listened. She was starting to feel distinctly odd, but cheered herself somewhat with the idea that maybe she was coming down with pneumonia and wouldn’t be able to go on the trip to Tildas.
„And now if you’ll excuse us, my Padawan really should finish his breakfast before he has to go to class,“the master said.
„We wish you both a pleasant day,“said Master Tenax, placing her hand on Quilibet’s shoulder.
The intimate gesture irritated her and Quilibet stood up immediately. But her knees felt strangely weak and there was darkness around the edges of her vision along with a curious rushing sound in her ears. She stood for a single instant, and the serene face of the Chalaktan master was the last thing she saw as the darkness rushed in and surrounded her.
There was something on her head, and Quilibet reached up with one hand, opening her eyes and glancing dully around.
„Back among the living, are we?“boomed a vaguely familiar voice.
„Was I dead?“Quilibet asked, feeling suddenly cheated that she hadn’t remained in the Force long enough to see Master Rad or Master Nektanebos. The thought that she might have been so close made her lip suddenly start to tremble.
„Sorry, wrong choice of words. That comes from innoculating large groups of cowardly Padawans at the same time. I mean you’re awake again.“It was Master Healer An-Paj stroking her forehead and down her cheek, his antennae pointed directly at her face. His blue hand was warm against her skin and she could feel powerful waves of comfort and peace emanating from him that reduced her need to cry.“No, you weren’t anywhere near becoming one with the Force. You fainted and banged your head on the corner of a table.“
„Oh.“Strangely, Quilibet felt even more cheated.
„Do you remember where you were when it happened?“
„In, um, the quarters of that Padawan that I beat up yesterday, but I don’t know his name. His master was lecturing us about proper behaviour.“Quilibet glanced around again and saw Master Tenax on her other side, then looked away again quickly.
„Ah. Do you remember the last thing you had to eat?“
Quilibet thought for a moment, then admitted defeat.“No.“
„You probably haven’t been eating very much since Master Rad died, am I right?“
Glancing down at the covers, Quilibet murmured,“Yes, Master An-Paj.“
The Healer glanced over to Master Tenax.“Low blood sugar, like I said before. But look here, Quilibet.“
He reached into the drawer of the desk next to the examination bed where she was lying, and pulled out a package of double chocolate cookies.“I confiscated these from a patient recently. They should still be fresh, but even if they’re infested with weevils, the extra protein that they provide won’t hurt you a bit.“
An-Paj stopped and grinned so that she would be quite certain he was teasing her, then raised the head of the examination bed so that she was sitting up.“I want you to eat at least half of these. I’m going to send Dimallie down to get you a big glass of milk--no, wait, I’d better send Romy. Then I’ll know it will arrive in its entirety.“
Quilibet had to stop and think who he meant by Romy. She’d gotten used to thinking of that woman as Master Tenax--she’d forgotten that she had two names instead of only one. To hide her confusion, she glanced down at the open package of cookies. Two weeks ago, she would have been not only able but willing to eat the entire package, but now the thought of eating even one of them was sickening somehow.
„Are you sure it’s nothing serious?“Master Tenax asked.
„Absolutely. Her head’s only bruised, and the bacta will take care of that.“
„She’ll still be able to go on the retreat?“
„Definitely. Now go on and get the milk. I’m not letting her get up until she’s drunk it all, and eaten at least four of these cookies. Then she should have enough energy for you to take her home and give her a proper breakfast. Oh, and you can both stop and get your booster innoculations on the way out.“
Giving Quilibet’s hand a reassuring squeeze that made the girl want to pull away, Master Tenax went out of the room, obviously eager to be doing something helpful.
When she’d gone, Quilibet sighed, feeling defeated before she even began, but needing to hear the answer anyway.“Do I have to go?“
„There’s no reason why you shouldn’t. It would probably do you good.“
„Maybe I have a concussion,“Quilibet suggested.
„Sorry, no luck this time.“
„I think I might be coming down with pneumonia. I fell asleep in one of the meditation gardens last night and got rained on.“She coughed more out of desperation than hope, but An-Paj only shook his head in amusement.
„You don’t even have a cold,“he said.“There’s no medical reason why you shouldn’t go. You’re not even allergic to chocolate, so eat up.“
Quilibet reached dispiritedly into the package and brought out four cookies, then arranged them in a line down her right thigh. She had just barely finished doing that when there was a screech from outside the room that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up in horror.“What was that?“
An-Paj moved to the door and looked out.“Oh. Just Obi-Wan, getting his innoculation for the trip. He tenses up around us Healers. I can’t imagine why. He really ought to feel right at home here. Don’t hide the cookies, Quil, eat them.“
Chagrined, Quilibet hastily retrieved her hand from where she’d been about to deposit two of the cookies back into the invitingly open drawer, and grimaced.
„Hope for food poisoning if you have to, but eat one,“he said.
She nibbled obediently on one, feeling even more depressed, and An-Paj sat down in the chair by the side of the bed.“Quilibet, as a man with six wives, let me tell you a little something about love. It multiplies if you let it.“
Quilibet looked at the blue-skinned healer, not certain what he meant, and he went on.“My six wives are all different, and I love them all in different ways, but my love for Number Six is not less than my love for Number One. You had a rough time after Master Nektanebos died, and yet you bonded with Master Radjedef. I know you learned to love him deeply in the last two years--I can feel your grief for him even without the Force. That’s how I know that you can learn to love Master Tenax, too, if you’ll just let yourself. Just open up and start trusting her, form a bond with her, even if it’s thin and weak at the beginning. The rest will come automatically.“
Quilibet turned away, hoping he hadn’t heard the thought that had sprung spontaneously to her mind.
//That’s what I’m afraid of and then I’ll get hurt again...//
All the way back to the apartment, Quilibet kept wondering how Master Tenax was going to punish her for fighting. Surely the apology was only the beginning. She wondered briefly and with something approaching hope if the mahogany-haired woman was going to insist that they stay home from the trip to Tildas so that Quilibet could do the manual labour usually required of penitent Padawans; ironing bedsheets in the laundry by hand with a picky housecleaning droid looking over her shoulder, peeling Wookiee-high piles of tubers in the kitchen, scrubbing cafeteria floors with a brush slightly larger than the one used to clean her teeth, or even being forced to glean the tiny Connect-Us blocks from the equally tiny Snap-Us elements in the creche every evening after the children had spent the entire day getting them mixed up. Quilibet hadn’t been in trouble very often, but she knew both from personal experience and from her friends that masters liked to choose fiendish little tasks like that.
„Sit here at the table, Quilibet,“said Master Tenax as they came into the apartment, and Quilibet sat down stiffly, expecting the worst.
„While I’m making you a proper breakfast --“Master Tenax said, handing over a data pad and pointedly not glaring at Quilibet, who had eaten not only the required four cookies, but four more as well--“you can have a look at this.“
She began to get things out of the fridge, and Quilibet looked at the words on the screen. It seemed to be a list of likes (which included kalona fruit) and dislikes (which included silverfish), and then a schedule of sorts.“What is this, Master Tenax?“
Master Tenax placed a pan on the stove, then cracked some eggs and whirled them in a bowl.“Del-Isa--I mean, Soul Healer Sidatu suggested that we both make a list of our likes and dislikes, our routines, and our expectations for our partnership. I already wrote my things last night, and you can fill in your part to-day.“
Quilibet sighed. So they were still going. Well, she should have guessed. They’d just had their booster shots a few minutes ago and surely Master Tenax would have said something before then if she’d been planning on keeping Quilibet in the Temple. She’d have to grit her teeth and bear it--but what about her punishment? Maybe Master Tenax was planning something for Tildas.
„Do you know why I don’t like silverfish?“Master Tenax asked, pouring the eggs into the hot pan.
„No, Master Tenax.“
„Once, I was on a mission to Pira’a. I woke up one morning and my mouth tasted a bit funny, so I started to brush my teeth, and then I felt something odd on the side of one of my molars in the back. I rinsed, and spit out a nicely dead silverfish into the sink. Yuck! I have no idea how it got in there, whether it crawled in while I was asleep, or whether it was lurking on my toothbrush and I just didn’t see it before I covered it up with toothpaste and began to scrub. Ever since then, I get the willies whenever I see a silverfish.“
Quilibet grimaced in sympathetic disgust and Master Tenax asked,“What else do you dislike, Quil, besides kalona fruit?“
„Oh, I don’t know, Master Tenax,“Quilibet hedged.
„Well, write it down, whatever it is, and enter in the routine that you’re used to from Master Radjedef, too. Then we’ll talk about it, and see where we can compromise.“Master Tenax sliced bread from the loaf.
„Yes, Master Tenax.“Quilibet scrolled down the page to see what else there was, and under the heading „Expectations“ there was a single sentence which made Quilibet frown in instant refusal. „I would like to bond with my new Padawan.“
Well, she didn’t want to bond with her new master. No. Not yet. Not ever. She knew it was expected, she knew that every other Master-Padawan team had a bond, she knew that Jedi worked together best when there was such a thing between them, but she wasn’t willing to let go of herself a third time and risk that pain again. Never. Before she could stop herself, she began to write „I don’t want to bond with you EVER!“ on the data pad, and for good measure, she also scrolled up to „Dislikes“ and added „Master Romedon Tenax.“
Then she pushed the data pad away from her across the table so that it fell off on the other side. Master Tenax, who was just straightening up from the fridge, stuck out one hand and the pad flew into it just before it would have hit the floor.“Finished already?“
„Yes--no, Master Tenax,“she mumbled, feeling suddenly ashamed of her outburst. She put out her hand for the pad, meaning to change it, but Master Tenax was already reading what she’d written. Quilibet watched with growing horror as her face smoothed out into a stoic expression and she laid the pad back on the table without a word, then turned back to the eggs and gave them an energetic stir. After a moment, she got two plates from the cabinet and divided the eggs equally between them, added the bread, then placed one of the plates in front of Quilibet and took the other for herself. She had to push the data pad out of the way because Quilibet had not dared to pick it up again. The damage was done. She had to take the consequences. Maybe Master Tenax would want to send her away to the Agri-Corps now and she’d have to become a Force-farmer, just like the boy had called her yesterday. It was an awful prospect, she suddenly realised, even worse than having to bond with a stranger, because it would be proof that she was a failure, and that her masters had died because it wasn’t the will of the Force that she remain a Jedi on the way to knighthood. She didn’t know if she could bear to be stripped of everything she’d ever known like that, and yet she also didn’t think she could stand to open up to Master Tenax, either. There seemed to be nothing but the prospect of more pain, no matter which way she turned!
„I--I’m sorry, Master Tenax,“she managed to murmur, sounding as miserable as she felt.
„I understand your feelings, Quilibet, and I won’t punish you for telling the truth,“Master Tenax said, reaching for the butter and positioning it in the middle of the table.
„Are--are you going to punish me for fighting yesterday?“Quilibet asked, unable to stand the suspense any longer.
„Do you think I should?“
Slowly, Quilibet nodded.
„What do you think I should do?“
„I--I don’t know.“She just couldn’t bring herself to suggest anything. She felt so awful she couldn’t think properly.
„Well, I have an idea. It may seem excessively cruel to you, but I think you’ll benefit more from it than from two weeks of scrubbing floors.“
Quilibet felt sick as she waited to hear that she was headed for a life of servitude bringing plant life to one barren planet after another.
„I was going to wait until you came of your own free will, but it would be detrimental to both of us to wait that long. I would like you to meditate with me to-day and let me help you release some of your pain into the Force.“
„You--you’re not going to send me away?“Quilibet asked in confusion. She didn’t know whether to feel relieved or not, knowing she would have to open her shields at least somewhat during the meditation.
„Send you away?“Master Tenax sounded as shocked as though Quilibet had asked her for permission to marry a Hutt.“No, by the Force, I am not going to send away a promising Padawan like you. I’ve accepted the challenge and I’m going to see you become a knight or die trying. Well, that’s probably the wrong thing to say right now, but that’s how I feel. Now eat your eggs before they get cold.“
After lunch, they knelt down across from each other. Quilibet’s emotions were so jumbled together that she didn’t think she could meditate at all. She felt chagrin and sadness for having hurt Master Tenax’s feelings earlier--no, she did not feel sad. She refused to feel feel sad. That woman had been asking for it, wanting to bond with her just like that. And yet she couldn’t forget the impassive look that Master Tenax had forced onto her face and the sound of her voice as she’d assured Quilibet she wouldn’t punish her for telling the truth. Quilibet wasn’t even sure anymore if it had ever been the truth. Did she really dislike Master Tenax? Or did she just dislike the facts that had brought them together?
It was dangerous to think things like that. She couldn’t afford to like Master Tenax. One hint of weakness from Quilibet, and the Force would scoop up her third master just as unexpectedly as it had the other two, and she’d be devastated. Again. If she could just keep her feelings neutral, they’d both be safe. What was she thinking? They’d both be safe? She shouldn’t think that. Stray thoughts like that were the first step in the wrong direction. No. No. Clenching her hands, Quilibet grit her teeth as well. She wasn’t allowed to hate Master Tenax. That was going too far in yet another wrong direction. She had to remain neutral here, not caring one way or another. And then, if it did happen again, if Master Tenax died, it wouldn’t hurt her. She wouldn’t let it hurt her.
Eventually, however, she did manage to relax and calm down enough to feel the Force. She could feel Master Tenax’s presence there, but it seemed far enough away not to be a threat. That was good. If she would just stay there, everything would be fine. Slowly, Quilibet began to release some her anger and pain, the same way she did it with Soul Healer Sidatu, except the effect was not so powerful. After a while, however, she felt Master Tenax moving closer to her through the Force. The feeling of being threatened and the threat of her fragile determination being instantly and permanently overwhelmed both seemed to be violently strong, and she began to tremble as she tightened her shields and opened her eyes.
„No!“she heard herself call out. To her disgust, she was also starting to cry, but she swallowed the tears back and said, more calmly,“I can’t do this.“
„Yes, you can, you were so close, Quil.“Master Tenax scooted forwards and laid one hand on her shoulder.“Come, let’s try it again.“
„I can’t,“Quilibet repeated but her statement turned into a sob and she hid her face in her hands as the tears flowed suddenly.“Please don’t make me. I just can’t!“
Master Tenax gathered her into her arms and held her for a moment.“You were so close. What happened?“
„You were--you were--“
„I was trying to help you release your feelings into the Force, Quil, that’s all. What did you think I was going to do?“
Quilibet was crying too hard to answer, and after a moment, Master Tenax guessed,“You thought I was going to force a bond with you?“
Chagrined, Quilibet nodded against the woman’s chest, and the master sighed.“Oh, Quil. Quilibet. I wouldn’t. I would never force anything like that on you.“
She waited until Quilibet had calmed down some, then released her and said,“Shall we try it again later?“
Quilibet hesitated.
„No bonding. Just meditation. You have my word as a master.“
Slightly reassured, Quilibet nodded.“All right. Later.“
Departure Day, morning
It was that dream again, the dream where they laid Master Radjedef on the funeral pyre and lit it, and he sat up, perfectly healed. This time, he scrambled off and took Master Nektanebos’ arm, walking her away from the flames as he announced,“I think I singed my fur a little, master.“
„You know you don’t have to call me master anymore,“Nektanebos told him with a little laugh.
„Master Rad, Master Rad!“Quilibet screamed, running forward from the other side of the pyre, but it was as though they could not hear her because they vanished into a door of the Temple in a burst of golden light without a backwards look.
„No! Don’t leave me behind!“She fell onto her knees in despair, beating the stones of the courtyard with her fists until she became aware of someone approaching from one side, holding out a hand.“Come, Quilibet, I’ll help you follow them.“
Gratefully, she grabbed the hand and pulled herself up, and only then did she see that the hand belonged to Master Romedon Tenax. She dropped it immediately in disgust.
„I’ll help you follow them,“the woman said again, but Quilibet turned away and started to run. Where the pyre had been, there was now a hole, too large to escape, which seemed to pull her in. She fell until she felt herself „land“ on her bed and awoke with a start, her heart racing in her chest. It took several moments for her to calm down and convince herself it had only been a dream, and then she sat up, feeling sad instead of frightened.
„He didn’t even look back,“she murmured to herself as she got dressed. She didn’t want to remember the part where Master Tenax had offered to help her follow them.“Neither of them looked back.“
„Well, good morning, Quilibet,“said Master Tenax when Quilibet had emerged from the refresher, clean and dressed and ready (if unwilling) to start the day.“And happy birthday, my Padawan.“
Quilibet stared at her in surprise for a moment. She was sixteen to-day. She’d completely forgotten! And if it was her birthday to-day, that meant they were leaving for Tildas this morning. Oh, joy, now she was going to be stuck for the better part of a week on a small ship with lots of disgustingly cheerful padawans and masters. Zac might even feel obliged to write another poem. Suddenly, the hole from her dream seemed like a pleasant alternative, and Quilibet had to force herself to be polite as she answered,“Th-Thank you, Master Tenax.“
„You can open your present before or after breakfast, whichever you like.“Master Tenax indicated the small, brightly-wrapped box on the table, but her tone of voice indicated she was hoping Quilibet would choose „before“. Well, she might as well get it over with. Then maybe Master Tenax would let her sneak away to the cafeteria and mope in peace for a while before they had to leave--no, she was already opening up the oven and taking out a small baking pan which steamed invitingly. That casserole again. The delicious odour wafted over, making Quilibet’s mouth water, but she did not want Master Tenax to believe that the way to -her- heart was through her stomach.
Sliding dispiritedly into her seat, Quilibet reached for the package and slid a knife under the tape that held the wrapping together. It came off to reveal a furry box, the kind that jewelry came in, and she opened the hinged lid, then gasped in wonder.“Oh!“
It was the largest, bluest jewel she had ever seen, set in a golden necklace. Hesitantly, she reached out, and felt a surprising warmth beneath her fingertip. The stone was not only beautiful, but it was also Force-sensitive. And it made her feel, for one magic minute, like a graceful young lady, and not just an adolescent girl. She could imagine herself, dressed up like a princess, wearing the jewel, and dancing with one prince and nobleman after another--all in the name of Jedi duty, of course.
„It’s lovely,“she finally breathed.
„You’re a lovely young woman,“Master Tenax smiled.“Put it on, let’s see what it looks like. It should go well with your colouring.“
Quilibet lifted it up carefully and placed it around her neck, fumbling with the catch and finally just holding it in place as she looked over to see Master Tenax beaming in approval.
„Just as I thought,“she said.“Go look at yourself in the mirror.“
Quilibet went into the refresher and discovered that Master Tenax was right. It looked as though it had been made especially for her. Holding it around her neck with one hand, she toyed with her braid with the other, wondering what she’d look like with long hair. Well, there were many years before she’d be allowed to grow it out. In the meantime, she’d have to figure out how the clasp worked before she wore the necklace the first time, or ask Master Tenax. No, she couldn’t do that. She didn’t want the woman to get too close to her. She couldn’t take the chance. Wondering if she should refuse the necklace entirely, Quilibet sighed miserably. It really was beautiful, and she liked the way it made her feel, but what if Master Tenax was trying to bribe her into friendship?
Marching determinedly out to the kitchen again before she could change her mind, Quilibet placed the necklace back in the box and closed it, then pushed it over to Master Tenax’ side of the table.“Thank you, but--“
She stopped, searching for the right words that wouldn’t make Master Tenax’s face become impassive again, then wondered why she was bothering. She didn’t like Master Tenax after all, so why should she care if the woman got her feelings hurt? No. She didn’t care. She wouldn’t care.
„Do you want me to keep it for you until after we get back from Tildas?“Master Tenax asked quickly, seeing her hesitate.
Dropping her eyes slightly, Quilibet nodded. It wasn’t a lie, she told herself, trying not to listen as one part of her mind cursed her own cowardice. A lot of time could go by after they got back from Tildas, and they could always talk about it again then, if they needed to.
„I’ll put it somewhere safe.“As she got up from the table and went into the bedroom, Quilibet hurriedly took a serving of the breakfast casserole and began to eat, anxious to get away before anything else happened to soften her heart towards Master Tenax.
The Chancellor’s ship was very luxurious, but Quilibet hardly noticed. The other padawans were either excited about or complaining about their roommates, but she didn’t care. She’d expected to be stuck with Master Tenax, and that was exactly how it had turned out. Upon entering their cabin, her eyes fell upon their luggage, placed side by side on the rack just inside the door. She didn’t remember that hers had looked so bulgy.
„I’ve just got to get something out,“said Master Tenax, heaving her bag up onto the nearest bed and opening it. She looked surprised as well, then checked the luggage tag.“There must be a prankster on board. This is my label, but these aren’t any good to me right now.“
She held up a pair of men’s briefs, once white, but now slightly grey.“You know, the women on the planet Hisrel used to sit on a pile of rags for a few days each month. I suppose that’s where the phrase „period furniture“ came from, but I’d really prefer a tampon. You wouldn’t happen to have any, would you, Quil?“
„Um...“Quilibet had never felt anything but embarrassment when talking about women’s subjects, especially because Master Nektanebos had simply taken a drug a few times a year to prevent herself from going into heat, and had therefore asked Healer Leona to explain the facts of human life to Quilibet. Master Radjedef had never mentioned anything of the sort, although once she had caught him flaring his nostrils as a strange Camaasi female had walked by. If she recalled correctly, he’d suddenly ordered a work-out in the gym that had left them both shaking with exhaustion afterwards. Now, unsure of how to respond, she said only,“I don’t think this is mine.“
She opened up the remaining bag and sorted through it in growing dismay. Tunics, underwear, definitely male--and then her fingers hit something hard and cold. Silently, she lifted away the pile of clothing and stared down at a large, flat bottle filled with a golden brown fluid.
„Who would need to hide alcohol in their luggage?“Master Tenax asked, looking at it in wonder as well.“Whose bag is this, anyway?“
Quilibet searched farther on her side and finally came up with a data pad. She hit the registration button and stared in shock at the name there, then finally found her voice again and said,“Kryztan Harkley.“
Master Tenax reached over, took the data pad from her hands, and placed it back in the bag, then picked up the pile of folded tunics and put them back where they belonged.“I’ll take this back to--its rightful owner.“
Having heard of Kryztan’s reputation, Quilibet felt glad that Master Tenax was there to keep her safe and not allow her to get within a lightsaber’s length of him--but only for a moment. If it weren’t for Master Tenax, she reminded herself, she wouldn’t have been coming on this trip at all.
„What about this one?“she asked, trying to distract herself from a wave of sudden sadness.
They searched through the bag, but found nothing that would allow them to identify it. Master Tenax frowned.“I suppose the only thing we can do is put it in one of the lounges, arrange a few of the more, ah, unique pieces for display, and hope somebody recognises them. You can do that while I’m hunting Harkley down.“
Quilibet nodded, picked up the bag, and followed Master Tenax out of the cabin. In the nearest lounge, she opened the bag again and began to select a few specimens for display on the back of a sofa.
Master Jinn came into the lounge, saw her, and stopped for a second look. Quilibet felt herself blushing as his gaze took in what she’d just laid out.
„Master Biwo’s underwear would look much better on a flagpole. What a pity we haven’t got any on board,“he said in complete seriousness and then walked on.
Quilibet sat in a corner of one of the lounges, not really caring or even noticing if anybody else was there or not as she stared at the spot where the plush carpet met a table leg, just thinking about things. She didn’t feel like she belonged here on board the Kaligari in the first place, and certainly not with all the older Padawans and their masters. Well, they weren’t all older than she was. Toms was definitely younger, and she thought she’d spotted another boy about his age around somewhere as well. But thinking about the two adolescents only made her feel more isolated. She didn’t belong to any of the groups on board, no matter what their ages or their status, whether Master or Padawan or even crewmember. She felt left out, completely superfluous, and unwanted as well.
She sighed, feeling the familiar clinch in her heart as she wished fervently that Master Rad was there. She’d always felt like she belonged somewhere when he was with her. At his side, she’d had a firm, unshakeable place in the universe. That deep sense of belonging had been something that Master Rad had been careful to cultivate even before he’d pronounced her his Padawan in front of the Council. They’d often had bonding sessions, more frequently and delving more deeply into the Force than other Master-Padawan pairings, and birthdays had been something special. When she had turned fourteen, Master Rad had encouraged her to do the Padawan birthday ritual again, but together with him. Together, they had remembered Master Nektanebos, each sharing memories with the other, reflecting on them. They’d released any lingering pain over her passing to the Force, and had then gone over into meditation and a very strong bonding session. Not for the first time, Master Rad had promised that he would never leave Quilibet.
She’d felt so secure in his love and so deeply connected to him at the end of that day that she’d asked if they could do the combination of rituals again for every birthday. Master Rad had smiled and said yes, and her fifteenth birthday had passed in a similar fashion. She’d been looking forward to it again, but now her sixteenth birthday had come, and Master Rad was gone, and Quilibet refused to even think of a bonding session with Master Tenax. She wasn’t going to get that close to anybody again. Not ever. Not when it meant that a presence would be ripped out of her life, forever and without warning, leaving nothing but a sharply throbbing ache behind. No, if Master Tenax had any thoughts about guiding Quilibet to knighthood, the sooner she realised that she would have to do it without a bond, the better.
„Padawan!“somebody called out. Caught up in her thoughts, Quilibet hardly registered the sound, mentally classifying it only as background noise and therefore something to be ignored.
„Padawan!“came the call again, slightly louder, and then,“Quilibet?“
Surprised and annoyed at being interrupted, she glanced up into the face of Master Tenax.
„Come with me, please, Quilibet,“she said, the worry in her face giving way to a quick smile.
What did she want? Probably light saber practise in the hold, or maybe even a meditation session. Dreading both, but knowing her duty, Quilibet stood up obediently and mumbled,“Yes, Master Tenax.“
They walked to the largest lounge on board the ship. If she’d been thinking, Quilibet would have wondered why, but she had kept her head down in a half-sulk the entire way and had simply followed Master Tenax, hardly noticing where they were going, not even when the woman pressed the button to open the door and motioned her to lead the way inside.
„Happy Birthday!“everyone shouted at once, and Quilibet took an instinctive step backwards. There were people in the lounge--a lot of them. In fact, almost everybody from their group was there. There were so many people there that she couldn’t tell if anybody was missing, and they were all smiling. Dazed, she looked around. There were decorations hanging from the walls and ceiling, a table with drinks and plates of party food, and there was a cake. It had been decorated with more enthusiasm than expertise, and was slightly squashed on one side, but it was still recognisable.
„Do you like the cake?“Toms asked eagerly, popping up at her side.“We made it especially for you.“
„You made it?“Quilibet asked as she turned her head slowly to look at him and realised that the cake had been in the box that he thought he’d left behind as they’d boarded the shuttle. She remembered how upset he’d been. They hardly knew each other, he was several years younger than she was--and a boy--and yet he’d been devastated at the thought that her cake might have been left behind. For some reason, that made her feel guilty. She recognised his kindness and his spontaneous generosity and she felt bad that she simply could not appreciate it. She knew it hadn’t been his idea, of course. No doubt Master Sidatu had thought it would be something to cheer her up. Well, better her than Master Tenax. She just wished it had come on a different day, at a time when she would be able to feel something else besides the pain of loss.
„It looks delicious,“she finally said, trying to sound more enthusiastic than she felt. Somehow, she just couldn’t bring herself to disappoint Toms by saying anything else. It would be as cruel as hitting a defenseless animal, leaving it hurt with no understanding of why, and Master Rad had not brought her up to be cruel. Toms beamed happily, and she added,“I like cake. Thank you.“
„Come over here, Quilibet, and we’ll sing to you. Then you can cut it,“said Master Sidatu, showing her a large knife at the side of the platter.
Quilibet came around the table and assumed the official Jedi pose without thinking about it, her feet directly under her shoulders and her hands clasped in front of her, the right one over the left, tapping lightly into the Force to get her through this ordeal. As everybody in the room launched into a rendition of “Happy Birthday to You,“ she glanced at them all in turn and found herself wondering who would be the next one to die and be laid on the pyre. Hopefully not Toms. But it was always the ones who should have lived forever. Becoming conscious of what she was doing, she forced herself to stop and look down at the cake, substituting visions of sugar for visions of suffering. It took a moment for her to realise that they had stopped singing and were starting to crowd around.
„Can I have an extra big piece?“asked Obi-Wan, extending the first plate. There was a hiss of “Termite!“ from behind him and Master Jinn said,“You will take the same as everybody else, Padawan.“
Quilibet cut the cake into many equal sized pieces and plopped them onto the plates as they appeared in front of her. Everybody who went by congratulated her again, and she murmured automatic thanks until Master Berlingside appeared.
„Sweet sixteen and never been kissed?“he asked, his eyes twinkling mischievously at her as he took the offered plate.“I can remedy that!“
Quilibet gripped the handle of the knife harder and stepped back instinctively into a defensive position, not wanting some old master to slobber all over her, but his next words surprised her.“Plenty of young men in this room--here! Jay, give the girl a birthday kiss.“
Thank the Force that Tanni Welasa had not been next in line--or Kryztan Harkley.
Jay stepped up and leaned forward, giving the knife in Quilibet’s hands a suspicious glance, and then said,“If you give me a smile, Quil, I -won’t- kiss you.“
She did smile, mostly from relief, but it faded quickly. The muscles around her mouth ached from the unfamiliar strain. She hadn’t really smiled in a long time and didn’t plan on doing so again in the near future. It just seemed too unnatural now.
The last person in line was Zac, and as he took the plate from her hand, he said,“You’ve got that dentist look again, Quil.“
„Eh?“Quilibet asked.
„Down in the mouth,“he said. At her blank expression, he explained,“You know, dentists always look down in the mouth.“
He grinned widely at his own pun, ignoring her pained grimace, then raised his voice and addressed the room at large.“Hey, everybody, listen up! I wrote a birthday poem just for my little friend Quilibet. I’m going to recite it now, okay?
Eopies are white
And banthas are brown
Your sixteenth birthday
Should be on the town
Go out and have fun
Get rip-roaring drunk
Sneak back to your quarters
Pass out with a thunk
Your master will clean
your vomit away
Why else do we have
a master anyway?“
Zac stopped speaking and waited expectantly for applause, and was met with a chorus of groans, especially from everybody who was not a Padawan. He glanced sideways to his master, lifting his eyebrows, but she only scowled disapprovingly at him. Quilibet scowled, too, both at the bad poetry and the awkward last line, and at the very idea that she should drink something that would make her throw up later. Didn’t she feel bad enough already? Sliding the last piece of cake onto the last plate, Quilibet sank her fork into it and placed the chunk in her mouth. It tasted a lot better than it had looked.
Toms appeared in front of her, holding a plate that showed little evidence of the cake that had already been there, and looked mournfully at the empty platter.“Is it gone already?“
„Yes,“Quilibet sighed. If only the party were over, too. She glanced down the long table. Everybody had split up into little groups and pockets of conversation. Master Tenax was talking to Master Sidatu, but stopped long enough to give her a quick smile. Quilibet’s gut reaction was to frown and look back to Toms in time to discover that even he had a companion. Olrin had come up behind him and was now waiting politely for his friend. Quilibet was reminded quite powerfully that she wasn’t included in any of those little groups, that there was no one to stand at her side and make her feel as though she belonged. She was well and truly isolated. To distract herself from that keen pain, she put a bite of cake into her mouth.
Toms’ face brightened up again as soon as he realised she was actually eating his creation.“Well? Whaddaya think?“
„Wonderful,“she said honestly, although her next words were far from the truth.“And thank you for the party and everything. I really appreciate it.“
He went away happy, and Quilibet put another piece of cake in her mouth. That sort of thing wasn’t lying. It was tact, diplomacy, and keeping the peace, which was what being a Jedi was all about. Master Rad had taught her that. It was fitting that she should remember it now that he was gone. She just wished she didn’t have to use his wisdom in this particular situation.
It was very early in the morning when Quilibet woke up for no apparant reason. She turned over, and then over again, but couldn’t get back to sleep, and finally sighed in defeat. Turning on the lights just enough to help her find clean clothes, she doused them again and slipped into the refresher. Master Tenax was still breathing deeply and regularly when she emerged again, dressed and ready for the day, and Quilibet listened for a moment, then went out.
The dining room was the most logical place to go, but Quilibet was surprised to find it open so early in the morning. A crewmember dressed in white was shaking fresh rolls from a hot baking sheet into a cloth-lined basket, and another one, farther down the line, was moving scrambled eggs to a heated dish. She moved forward shyly, waiting for them to send her out again, and suddenly realising just how hungry she was. Well, she hadn’t eaten much last night, despite the party, or perhaps because of it.
„There, I’ll be taking those five credits from you now. There’s a Jedi, awake and ready for breakfast.“The bread man turned away from his colleague and made a wide gesture, signalling Quilibet to come closer.“Ah, it’s a lovely thing to win a bet with the help of a beautiful young lady like yourself.“
„Which bet was that?“Quilibet asked.
„Ee-jit over there was telling me there was no reason to have breakfast ready so early, saying that Jedi were just like everybody else, sleepin’ in on those days when they’re not having to get up and save the galaxy. But I told him they’d be awake at the crack of dawn and feastin’ before their meditations.“The man looked behind Quilibet for signs of more Jedi.“Ah, a wise one you are, gettin’ here extra early and beatin’ the rush. And you, Ee-jit, can be handin’ over that money now.“
The egg man sighed and produced the required amount, handing it over with exaggerated reluctance.“Now I’m not saying you’re obsessed with money, and I’m not saying you’re stingy. I’m talking about deep pockets and short arms. I’m talking about kissing every credit ten times before you spend--“
„Would I be kissing something that’s been in your grubby hands?“
It was obviously an old joke between them and they grinned at each other as they made room for her. Quilibet’s lips never moved, but she almost felt as though she were smiling on the inside as she went down the buffet line. The preconceptions that normal people had about the Jedi never failed to amuse her. Jedi never feasted before meditation! Well, not most of them, and not all the time. In fact, considering the amount of food she’d just piled on her plate, she’d be better off not opening her mouth on that subject in the first place.
After finishing her breakfast, Quilibet took the opportunity to wander around the ship in the silence of early morning, and eventually ended up in one of the lounges which had a few parac tables between the two entrances. She didn’t know how to play parac--Master Rad hadn’t approved--but she’d caught a few glimpses of it before being hauled away and set to schoolwork or meditation or other tasks befitting a young Padawan. Now, idly, she centered nine of the balls with the triangle, then reached for a cue and gave the odd ball out a sharp tap with it. The rest scattered nicely over the table.
She was still fooling around with the parac equipment when a female blonde padawan appeared at one of the entrances to the lounge, looking as though she was about to cry, but making an effort not to. After a moment, she cleared her face and asked,“Can I play, too?“
„Do you know how?“Quilibet asked hopefully.
„No, do you?“
„No.“
The blonde padawan slumped slightly, but came in anyway.“I’ve seen you around, but I don’t know your name.“
„Quilibet Lyr.“
„Oh! You’re the Padawan who’s lost two masters.“
„Yes, I’m the Padawan,“Quilibet admitted, then turned to leave by the other exit. She didn’t want to talk to this girl anymore, but the padawan’s next words shocked her.
„I wish I’d lose my master.“
Quilibet turned around and gaped at her in surprise.“No, you don’t. You don’t know what you’re talking about.“
„I do! Everybody judges me based on her!“
„Who is she, anyway?“
„Master Sal-Fina Falmar.“
It was Quilibet’s turn to say,“Oh!“ So this was Ambianca. Funny, she looked different than Quilibet had expected from all the rumours. She actually looked human.
„There, you see. Even you--!“
„Sorry.“
„How did your masters die?“
„Master Rad pricked his finger on a thorn,“Quilibet reported slowly, carefully controlling her words to keep the tears from rushing into her eyes.
„On a -thorn-?“
„The sap was poisonous for Caamasi.“
„But not for humans?“
Quilibet shook her head and Ambianca looked faintly disappointed.“And your other one?“
„She was injured when we crashed on an uninhabited planet.“
„Crash...“Ambianca appeared thoughtful.“That’d be something to hope for. I used to want to be like my master, you know, but then I realised nobody likes her. She always says really cutting things about others.“
Quilibet had heard that, too, but refrained from nodding.
„Like--like she said that losing one master was unfortunate, but losing two was just plain careless.“
Quilibet’s mouth dropped open and she felt as surprised and wounded as though a light saber had just gone through her heart.“That--that is not true! I wasn’t careless!“
„I didn’t say it, my master--!“
But Quilibet did not give her a chance to finish. Picking up one of the parac balls from the table, she threw it at Ambianca as hard as she could.“I did everything I could for them--both of them! I gave them everything I had! I gave -everything-, but it just wasn’t enough!“
Ambianca managed to duck out of the way even as Quilibet reached for another one.“I--was--not--careless!“
Even as the ball left her fingers, she became aware of somebody coming in behind Ambianca, somebody who didn’t see what was coming and was not fast enough to duck. The heavy sphere connected with the blonde master’s head with a sickening crunch and she fell to the floor.
„Force! Master! Oh, Force!“Ambianca knelt down.“What if she’s dead?“
„She’s not dead, we would have felt it.“A voice from the door behind Quilibet made her whirl around in horror to see Master Berlingside standing there.“Quilibet, I could kiss you!“
Romedon Tenax stood in the entrance to the pool area, watching, entranced, as the slight, redheaded girl laughed. Quilibet’s face had suddenly taken on life, the corners of her mouth were turned up, and there was light in her eyes as she watched Jay Abran sitting fully clothes in the pool and scrubbing his back on the steps while trying to scratch the rest of his body with his hands. Entranced, Romy watched as Quilibet’s mouth suddenly became still, caught in a perfectly round O as Jay’s hand went down to an unmistakeable part of his anatomy, then twitched into a smile again as he slipped down a step or two and went under up to his eyes.
Not daring to move or call attention to herself, Romy continued to observe as Quilibet suddenly sat back in the chair and put her hands to her face, massaging the sore muscles there, then laughed out loud again as Jay pulled himself out of the water.
„Hey, wet tunic contest. Let’s get all the boys in like that,“said somebody on the far side of Quilibet, making the redheaded padawan grin again.
Well, if that’s what it took to get Quilibet to smile, Romy would be more than willing to push Jay in again, and any other male padawan that happened along. Funny about that scratching, though. Even now, coming out, he was still at it.
„Hello, Romy,“Del-Isa Sidatu suddenly called out from the pool, waving one hand.
Romy’s attention went to her for an instant and she smiled, waving back, then glanced over to Quilibet again.
As she’d suspected, the grin was gone and a distinctly fearful expression had taken its place. Romy sighed to herself as she came in, now that there was no longer any need to stay out of sight. The damage had been done. Quilibet scrambled out of the deck chair and stood there indecisively, looking for all the world like a small rodent caught in the headlights of a speeder at night, not knowing which way to run.
Force, did she really intimidate the girl that much? When was she ever going to convince Quilibet that she was a friend?
„Hello, Quil,“she said, coming forward.“I haven’t seen you all morning. What have you been up to?“
Quilibet stared at Master Tenax in horror, wishing herself far away, and searched for words, only to find them all tumbling out of her mouth at once.“I--ah--just--uh--well, she seems to be all right now, but I thought she was dead, and, ah, Master Berlingside wanted to kiss me, and, ah--“
„You thought who was dead? No, wait, stop right there. Master Berlingside wanted to -kiss- you?“Master Tenax’s hand reached automatically to her waist, but there was only the shimmering green fabric of her swimming suit, no light saber.“I know the words Corellian and castration don’t usually come up in the same sentence, but if he’s been making lewd remarks to you, Quil, I am going to have a -serious- talk with that--“
„No, it wasn’t like that, Master Tenax, he was just so pleased that I’d hit Master Falmar in the head with a parac ball--“
„But she seems to be all right now--well, sort of,“Ambianca chimed in, only to fall silent when Master Tenax fixed her with a hard stare.
„You hit a master on the head?“
„Yes, Master Tenax,“Quilibet answered, locking her hands behind her back and keeping her eyes firmly on the woman’s face. Force, what if Master Tenax decided she was too violent to be a Jedi? What if she sent her away, to the Agriculture Corps, or worse? But at the moment, Master Tenax seemed to be waiting only for her to continue, so she said,“I was talking to Ambianca, and she told me that her master had said that--that losing two masters was--was -careless-, and I got angry and I threw a parac ball at her, but she--“
Quilibet let her voice trail off at the angry expression on Master Tenax’s face and felt suddenly cold. That was it. It was going to be the Mining Corps for her. She’d probably be sent there right from Tildas. Padawans who couldn’t control their anger had no place in the ranks of Jedi Knights. She’d failed, failed her masters and herself.
„Go on,“Master Tenax said coldly.
„But--ah--Ambianca ducked, and Master Falmar was right behind her--and she got hit in the head--“Quilibet was aware of Del-Isa bobbing quietly at the side of the pool, listening intently, and wondered if she could beg the Soul Healer for help, for another chance, for--something. Toms and the other boy had stopped splashing and were hanging on every word as well.
„You said she was all right?“Master Tenax turned her gaze to Ambianca.
„Yes, Master Tenax, she woke up soon afterwards, and she forgave Quilibet, I heard it distinctly, and she even invited her over for high tea. If you give your permission, of course.“Ambianca sounded faintly hopeful.
„Don’t go, Quilly, it’s all an act and she’ll try to poison you!“Toms called out.
„Padawan Yarral!“Del-Isa scolded, but then she and Master Tenax both broke out into laughter. When Master Tenax had finished, she turned her gaze to Quilibet again, who felt suddenly sick with apprehension.
„So Ambianca told her how her master had insulted you, you threw a ball at Ambianca, but she ducked, and the ball hit Master Falmar instead?“
„Yes, Master Tenax,“Quilibet whispered.
„The Force moves in mysterious ways, but when it moves, it -moves-! Never fear, Quil, I won’t let Master Berlingside kiss you.“Smiling again, she waved an arm.“Get your swimming suit and come on in.“
Quilibet felt suddenly cold with relief as she realised that everything was all right. She wasn’t going to be sent away. She almost smiled, but settled for a nod instead.“Yes, Master Tenax.“
Going out, the last thing she heard was Toms asking,“Master, what’s castration?“
It had been a long morning for Quilibet, and she went to the dining room as soon as it had opened, hungry and ready for lunch. She had just sat down at a table in the corner when she was surprised to see Master Sidatu and Master Tenax enter the room together, the two boys racing ahead of them to the food line. While Master Tenax followed them, Master Sidatu broke away suddenly and came towards Quilibet.
„Quilibet, would you be willing to do me a favour?“she asked as she approached
„What, Master Sidatu?“
„Do some light saber training with Olrin after you’ve both eaten?“
Quilibet looked over at the black-haired boy in question. He was more than a head smaller than she was and seemed cheerful enough. Even at that distance, she could hear him chattering happily away.
„I wouldn’t mind, Master Sidatu,“she replied. The more he talked, the less she’d have to.
„Oh, and don’t call him Olrin, he doesn’t like it. He prefers Rin.“
„Yes, Master Sidatu.“
When the boys had filled their trays, Master Sidatu motioned them over to where Quilibet was sitting. Master Tenax came, too, having been quicker and more selective in choosing her food.
„Did you know that Master Quillian uses a kind of manure that looks -exactly- like that?“Rin was saying, pointing to something on Master Tenax’s plate as they sat down.
„No, I didn’t know that, and now you have taught me two things, Rin,“she replied.
„I have?“Rin beamed.“What was the second thing, Master Tenax?“
„Ignorance is bliss,“she replied.
Rin regarded her in confusion for a moment, then said,“There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.“
„Yes, that is true. And because I -know- that this is not bat guano or whatever other kind of manure Master Quillan uses, I am going to eat it anyway. May I share it with you?“She put her spoon in and lifted a generous helping in Rin’s direction. To her surprise, he opened his mouth and closed it again over the entire offering.
„Hey! That’s good stuff! Maybe that’s really what Master Quillan uses. Maybe the plants love it, too, that’s why they grow so well. Can I have some more? Can Toms have some, too?“
„You certainly have my permission to get yourself some,“Master Tenax smiled.“But I’m sure that this is -not- what Master Quillan uses, so don’t let me catch you trying to sample -that- stuff when you get back to the Temple.“
Toms sprang off the chair and raced back to the food line, then returned with an entire bowl of the food, and two spoons. Del-Isa followed him at a more sedate pace and sat down with her own tray.
„Romy, after lunch, I’m kidnapping your padawan,“she announced.
„Well, don’t keep her too long, she might not want to come back,“Master Tenax joked, but Quilibet thought she sensed feelings behind the sentence that were serious, almost worried. It made her wonder if she was correct. She’d always known where she was with Master Rad, she’d always known when he was joking and when he wasn’t, and she’d usually been able to predict how he’d react to any given situation. But everything was different now. She supposed she’d had to get used to Master Nektanebos as well, when she’d been chosen as a Padawan at the age of eleven-nearly-twelve, but those four years seemed like a lifetime now.
Master Sidatu smiled tolerantly.“I won’t keep her that long. I’ve just asked her to do some light saber practise with Rin.“
Maybe Master Tenax really was concerned that she wouldn’t want to come back. Quilibet opened her mouth to tell her that she didn’t have to be worried like that, then stopped. Master Tenax might take it the wrong way. She might read more into the answer than Quilibet intended to say. She was still feeling relieved from the scare that morning when she’d thought Master Tenax might send her away, and she was happy to be allowed to stay, because staying with a new master was definitely preferable to being sent to the Mining Corps, but she certainly didn’t want to give the impression that she was ready for bonding or anything like that. No, it was best not to speak at all, not just yet.
„Light saber practise?“Rin looked overjoyed.“Oh, yes! Can we do a little sparring, Quilly? Sometimes I do katas in the garden, when my master’s not looking of course, with a rake instead of a light saber, even though it’s different, but the bushes never fight back, so it’s not the same. Just a little free-fighting at the end, please?“
„I don’t see why not,“Quilibet nodded, and Rin’s face seemed to glow even more with anticipation.
Sara Tencourt sat on the bar at the end of one of the conference rooms of the Chancellor’s ship. She was tired. Her sleep had been disrupted that night by noises from outside her room. While her first sleep had been peaceful and deep, the second time she managed to doze off was plagued with nightmares. Sara tilted her head back against the wall and closed her eyes letting one foot dangle over the side of the bar. She liked sitting like this. It was peaceful here away from everything.
She rose slowly into a standing position on the bar, turning her back to the rest of the room and sliding backwards a little until only her toes were still on the ledge. This is what she was really here for, to practice and make things perfect. Stretching up a little, she did a somersault off, landed, then did a back handspring, a piked flip, another handspring, then made a quarter turn as she landed, and went into a series of cartwheels. Having reserved the room for herself and expecting no-one to even come near it, Sara decided to round-off at the end of her cartwheels and make a Force-assisted jump up to the ceiling, turning 180 degrees while at the apex. Her light saber jumped into her hands and ignited as she came down, searching for imaginary enemies--and found a live one instead.
„Arrrr!“Sara screeched, reacting instictively to shut off the light saber before it sliced through the red-headed girl who’d come two steps into the room. She was barely in time. The emitter end of her weapon hit the girl on the shoulder and the force of the blow felled her to her knees, falling forward into Sara and making her take a step back for balance.
„What the--?“she asked, glaring down at the girl, seeing two fearful green eyes staring back. An anger deep inside Sara sprang suddenly to life at their anxious look as the girl disentangled herself and scooted backwards, watching her all the time.“What are you doing in here? Didn’t you see my sign? Sith on a spit, girl, you could have been killed! How can any Jedi be so -stupid-?“
Sara didn’t know how she got so many words out, or so quickly. Shock usually rendered her speechless. The green eyes turned tearful and Sara closed her own eyes briefly.
//Please.// She begged silently, //Any other day I could have dealt with crying padawans but not today. Please not today.//
Something must have answered her because the girl’s tears went no further then her eyes, though her face was pained enough to make Sara feel instantly guilty.
„There wasn’t any sign,“said a voice behind the girl, and Sara glanced up in astonishment to see a boy of about nine years, with black hair cut short, but not short enough to eradicate the tight curls that covered his head.“Quil said we could practise with our light sabers here, and there wasn’t any sign on the door.“
Sara glared at him, then stalked to the door and smacked her palm against the control to open it. Sith. There was her note, face down on the other side of the corridor.
„All right, all right,“she said, tacking it back up again in annoyance.“But it’s here now, so get out. Both of you.“
„But if you’re doing light saber stuff, too, maybe we could practise together,“the boy suggested.
„Not a chance, fresher-brush-head,“she snapped. His hopeful look was suddenly replaced by an insulted expression.
„Are you looking for a fight?“the girl asked slowly. She’d got to her feet in the meantime and had wiped her tears away. Now she put one hand on her light saber.
Sara shook her head.“I don’t want to fight against kids. I’d have to be too careful not to kill you. Just run along now and find another room to practise the first two katas in, will you?“
Now it was the girl’s turn to look faintly insulted. She took a deep breath and let it out in a classic Temple exercise which made Sara’s blood boil even more, then turned towards the entrance.“Come on, Rin, I remember seeing a ballroom where we could practise instead.“
At first, Quilibet didn’t see Master Tenax in the doorway of the ballroom. After a nicely satisfying session of elementary exercises and some kata work, she had finally given in to Rin’s not-so-subtle hints and they had started to free-fight. Rin hadn’t been a padawan very long, and was still inexperienced, but Quilibet was surprised that he managed to keep her on her toes. Not all the time, of course, but again and again and again. A few more years, she thought, and what a fighter he’d be!
At length, however, she managed to disarm the black-haired boy, sending his light saber skittering across the floor of the ballroom. He scrambled after it, snatching it up and switching it back on as he turned around to continue the duel, then looked beyond Quilibet and smiled.“Hello Master Tenax!“
Quilibet jumped in surprise, spinning around and bowing automatically. She thought she saw a slight shadow of displeasure flicker over Master Tenax’ face as she came up, but then she smiled.“Hello, Rin. Hello, Quilibet. How’s the training going?“
„Great, Master Tenax!“Rin exclaimed.
„It’s going very well, Master Tenax,“Quilibet echoed, wondering what she’d done wrong or if she’d just imagined that emotion.
„Have you come to spar with Quilly?“Rin asked, looking as though he hoped she hadn’t.
„No. I’ve come to bring you both to the main lounge. We’re going to play a game of Hide and Seek.“
„Regular Hide and Seek, or Sardine Hide and Seek?“Rin asked, clipping his light saber to his belt.
„Regular, I think. Why?“
„I don’t like being squished during Sardines. Once Isadora Lucey was sitting next to me under the table and nobody had to look very hard to find us, all they had to do was follow the smacking noises. Yuck! She kept trying to kiss me!“Rin looked disgusted, and Master Tenax smiled in a way that conveyed both amusement and astonishment that the initiates even knew about Sardines, let alone played it.
Quilibet fervently hoped that they were going to play regular Hide and Seek. She didn’t like being squished, either.
„Who else is playing?“
„Everybody that we can find, masters and padawans. Come on, let’s get going before we’re late.“
Following Master Tenax down the corridor, Quilibet decided not to mention the funny, orange-haired woman who had almost sliced in her in two in that conference room. Hopefully, she’d also growl at whoever was sent to fetch her, and would refuse to play. Quilibet didn’t want to have to find her and risk getting her arm cut off, or worse, if she happened to surprise her from behind or something. And she certainly wasn’t going to get near that conference room while looking for a hiding place.
When the second round of Hide and Seek began, and it was determined that Master Falmar was “it“, Quilibet didn’t stop to hear any more. She sidled backwards to the door, then leaped through it and began to run down the corridor. She’d hidden behind one of the sofas in the parac room last time, and briefly considered going back there, but decided to try out a new hiding place instead. Opening one of the bedroom doors at random, she hopped in and decided to secrete herself in the double-doored wardrobe, which had plenty of space despite the fact that there were three beds and three travel cases in the room. Despite the fact that it was obvious somebody would come back to the room eventually, Quilibet was afraid of being locked in, and therefore held the wardrobe a finger’s breadth open. It also gave her a good view of the room and especially the door.
A few minutes went by, and then the door to the room slid open without warning. Quilibet pulled back automatically, her head coming into contact with one of the hangers. Panicked, she reached up to stop the motion, but relaxed when she saw that it was only Zac and not a gleeful Master Falmar.
„I am going to kill Tanni,“Zac muttered, hopping around on one leg to pull the other boot off, then switching legs. He was soaking wet and the drops of water that fell from him were making a large, random pattern on the carpeted floor.“I should have drowned him when I had the chance!“
He straightened up, then caught sight of his reflection in the mirror on the outside of the wardrobe.“Hmm, talk about wet tunic contests...“
Flexing both arms and puffing out his chest a little, Zac then began to sing.“I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!“
He began a striptease then, slowly undoing his belt and throwing it on one of the beds, then turning around suddenly. Apparantly reassured that it was not his bed, Zac then tugged off his tabard and tossed it there as well, then his overtunic, moving it slowly up from waistline to shoulders and wiggling out of it seductively. Quilibet was torn between excitement and sheer shock. The undertunic went next, and then Zac laid down on the carpet and began to strip his socks off his feet, twirling them around in the air a few times, then letting them fly over to the bed as well. Getting gracefully to his feet again, Zac placed both hands on the waistband of his leggings.
„Mmm, somebody STOP me,“he commanded his reflection.
Quilibet continued to stare, unable to look away, as Zac slowly tugged at them, moving them down his body an agonising little bit at a time. Suddenly, he spun around and bent over, shaking his behind a few times in Quilibet’s direction, then straightened up and spun back again to continue the slow striptease. Quilibet’s mouth dropped open at the same time as the leggings dropped down to reveal the same Jedi standard issue boxers that Master Rad wore. (Not that she’d ever seen Master Rad actually wearing them, but she’d done his laundry often enough to know. ) Quilibet didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed as Zac stepped neatly out of the leggings, picked them up with one foot, and began to twirl them, too. They landed on the wrong bed, but he reached out with the Force and made them hop over to the right one.
Then Zac’s hands went to the only remaining piece of clothing on his body. Quilibet’s mouth was dry and her heart was thudding in her chest; her eyes were as good as paralysed. He wiggled and gyrated, and she watched every movement. Was he? Wasn’t he? Would he really? He was going to stop now, wasn’t he? But he didn’t, and with a final flourish, he stripped off the boxers and presented Quilibet with a full view of the bare necessities.
„Just you wait, female Pad’wans, just you wait! You will want me and you should not be too late!“
It all happened at once. Zac was marching forward to the mirror, having changed tunes, and Quilibet somehow lost her grip on the inside of the door and then lost her balance. The door sprang open and she tumbled out of the wardrobe, straight into Zac, knocking him to the floor. At the same time, the door to the room burst open and Sal-Fina jumped in.
„Caught you!“she grinned happily.“And just in time, too. Quilibet darling do you need some help?“
She waggled her eyebrows so that Quilibet knew exactly what kind of help she was referring to, and Quilibet and Zac both scrambled upright. Zac covered himself with both hands as he raced past Sal-Fina to the fresher, but was not quick enough to avoid getting a smart smack on the behind.
„Oooh! You remind me of Qui-Gon in his padawan days!“Sal-Fina exclaimed, kissing her fingers.“And by the way, you’re IT!“
„No! Sith, no!“Zac leaped out of the fresher, wrapping a towel around his waist, then sprinted through the open door.“Not if I get back to base first!“ Sal-Fina began to chase after him, and Quilibet followed, wondering what kind of dreams she was going to have that night.
Day 2, supper time
The game of Hide and Seek was over at last, and many of the masters and padawans had gathered in the dining room for supper. Glancing around, Quilibet didn’t know whether she was relieved or disappointed that Zac had managed to get dressed in the meantime. He’d come in late and had sat down at another table with a few free seats. Quilibet’s table had been full, with her, Master Tenax, Master Sidatu, Rin and Toms. She felt faintly annoyed that she hadn’t had the option of waving Zac over, then wondered in the same moment if he would have been embarrassed by such a gesture, and whether he was going to avoid her now for the rest of the trip.
„Do you and Quilibet want to come with us to the part