I am aware that I'm sulking. It's not clever. It is faintly ridiculous, but when you're forbidden anger what other way is there to express your hurt?I pause in the corridor; not able to go up to the cockpit, to face people who think I am somehow invulnerable. Do they imagine we live emotionless, that tranquillity comes easily? Not on an issue like this.
Obi-Wan will be hiding in the engine room, looking industrious, spanner in his hand, that crease between his eyes, and anger like a force-shield all around him. To go to him would be to repeat the argument unnecessarily; 'The Council are right Master. Why can't you see it? Why are you so stupid, Master?' While his fists and his braced back and the pain behind his steel eyes are saying 'I knew it. I knew you didn't want me. I knew you would send me away...'
There is a porthole. I rest my forehead against it, seeing Coruscant disappear - a small metal dot, artificial as a droid beneath us. I don't know which accusation hurts most.
"Oh, Padawan. Twelve years together and you still don't trust me." Neither my judgement nor my affection.
Do you think I do this out of my own desires? That it's personal? Do you really think I *want* to defy them and abandon you? Did I once say I *wanted* to train Anakin?
I didn't. I don't. But I must do what the Force wills.
A wave of fury heats the hands pressed against the wall. I imagine it leaving my body, dissipating in the vacuum among the stars.
Why does no one else see what I see? Why do you, Padawan, not trust me when I say *I* see it? Don't I deserve better from you?
Instead you choose to believe I could abandon you, on a whim. And - oh - that hurts.
I stand upright, brush the mist of my breath from the framed universe, and try to laugh at the thought. Did I just say 'abandon'? I have caught Obi-Wan's thinking, because I did not abandon him, I did not reject him - I gave him the prize for which he has striven all his life.
And he had the nerve to believe I didn't really mean it.
Obi-Wan is ready for the trials. Surely he knows this himself? He was eager enough to criticise during the past mission. 'You were right about one thing...The time is short...You overdid it...I don't like this plan...another pathetic lifeform...if you would only obey the Code...'
Did he not see this was the behaviour of a man eager to be freed - to break away and become independent? So why, when I gave him exactly what he wanted, did he act like a spurned lover?
Honesty forces me to admit that I hardly told him in the best way. Not what I had hoped for at all. Delivered in a spirit of anger against the Council, and against Obi-Wan - because after over a decade of caring for him and nurturing him he has become their ally, not mine.
Whatever spirit it was delivered in, though, I can hardly credit he would think I was lying. What kind of monster does he think I am?
I know exactly: He thinks I want to spend another 15 years of my life training another child who will grow up to reject me. He thinks I want it so much that I will defy the Council and betray him to do it. And he thinks all of this because he cannot bring himself to believe that the Force is directing me.
What have I done to deserve such lack of trust? Such disrespect?
I turn from the wall and go to find Anakin. Poor boy - the unhappy nucleus of all this anger, denied his dreams because of the Council's fear. Everyone wants to forget him, everyone wants rid of him... Am I the only one who notices that he's just a little child?
You are with them, then, and I am alone again, against all of you. It's nothing new. I can handle it.
But, oh my son, I will miss you.
StartThe picture is taken from "Anakin's Adventures to Color" by Michelle Knudsen - Illustrated by Jesus Redondo
All Star Wars images, likenesses, etc. ©2001 Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.
Disclaimer; Copyright in all Star Wars characters remains George Lucas's. I'm not doing this for money, only to resurrect the dead.
